With the recent presidential debate behind us, you feel like we’re nearing the next apocalypse. You’re worried your vote against the terrifying, racist, misogynistic demon currently running might not count, and that we’ll be trapped dealing with the aftermath of his bad decisions for years to come. While Hillary is undeniably the most qualified candidate on the ballot, what we really need is an unexpected hero. A brave, lab-coat-wearing hero who can save us from impending doom. Yes, I am suggesting that Heinz Doofenshmirtz would be the hero we need in this 2016 presidential election.
You’re probably wondering – of all the characters in Disney Channel’s hit show Phineas and Ferb, why is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz the obvious choice? Even though the titular characters are talented, affable, and praised by everyone they meet, they are both too young to enter the presidential race. In fact, many of the characters are. The entire gang was college-age by the finale of the show, old enough to cast their vote but still too young to become our Commander in Chief. Their mother, Linda, while old enough to qualify, is happy living a low-radar life after her stunt with stardom as pop icon Lindana; she and her husband, Mr. Fletcher, are too content with the simple pleasures in life to ever consider running for the presidency. After eliminating these characters, we only have a few serious suggestions – Major Monogram, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and, naturally, his more successful brother, Roger.
While Major Monogram has the leadership skills necessary for taking on such an important role, he is getting closer to retirement. Much like the Flynn-Fletchers, he is more content on a week-long vacation than in his role as the head of the OWCA. Roger Doofenshmirtz, in contrast, has plenty of experience in public office, but his role as the typical, sleazy politician makes him seem untrustworthy to voters. While he doesn’t necessarily seem bad, not in the obvious way his brother is, he fails to stand out from the crowd. I bet you didn’t even remember Roger was a character.
This only leaves one candidate: Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. And, trust me, he’s the best man for the job.
You’re probably confused, considering Doofenshmirtz is the show’s main antagonist. He’s evil, and willing to admit it. But even though he’s hell bent on taking over the Tri-State area first and the world second, are all his schemes really as bad as they seem? Is having Dr. Doofenshmirtz in charge really worse than electing someone like Donald Trump?
Even though Perry the Platypus spends most of the series making sure Doofenshmirtz doesn’t fulfill his “evil schemes,” most of his –inators have a practical application or are meant to heal the scars from his mentally abusive childhood in Drusselstein. (Yes, he wasn’t born in America; however, we’ve already seen questions raised about this with Ted Cruz, and I think we can cut him some slack.) In the first season alone, his inventions include a device to age cheese, to erase embarrassing messages from his ex-girlfriend’s phone, and to harness the power of dance. Even though we are led to believe that these will all jeopardize the safety of Danville and need to be stopped, in reality, Doofenshmirtz’s evil schemes are mostly things we might be interested in using, or at least understand the appeal of. Instead of having absolutely no solution to how we’ll fix America’s problems, Dr. Doof has an –inator for everything.
If you’re a die-hard Phineas and Ferb fan – as I obviously am – then you’re probably wondering why I’m so enraptured with the idea of Dr. Doofenshmirtz for president when he managed supreme power twice, and things didn’t end up as planned. In the episode “Phineas and Ferb’s Quantum Boogaloo,” as well as in the TV movie “Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz finally succeeds in achieving power over the Tri-State area. But we cannot judge the actions of this mad scientist in the movie, since the events took place in an alternate universe – the Doofenshmirtz we’re familiar with seems like an average dad when placed next to his actually evil counterpart.
But what about “Quantum Leap?” The plot of the episode involves back-and-forth time travel, and the fact that Candace rewrote time in order to bust her brothers creates a dystopian future where Perry the Platypus was unable to stop his first evil scheme. However, “dystopian” isn’t exactly the right word; the main differences are the statues of him every few feet and a ban on every name other than Joe and every article of clothing other than lab coats. Even though it seems bad when you watch the episode, if you break it down, then it’s clear that he has managed to create a blend of communist and capitalist ideals. Everyone is virtually equal on the outside, so, personality wise, they are allowed to thrive. There’s still plenty of business in this dystopian world, and the economy seems to be perfectly fine. Honestly, it could be a lot worse. We could have a leader convinced we need to build a wall, or someone convinced that banning anyone different solely based on how they appear on the outside is a good idea.
And, honestly, let’s be real; most important thing is that our future president can lay down the funky beats.
