People looking in on an abusive relationship will never fully understand what it's like, or why people stay in abusive relationships. It should be straight forward if they're not nice, you leave. But when you're really IN the relationship, and I mean all in, there is so much gray area, and so many emotions that you're feeling, that it's really hard and confusing to deal with so you just stay. Because in some weird way you feel like it's just what you're supposed to do. You hold onto hope that things will change or go back to a time when it wasn't so scary and complicated, but in reality, it should be black and white. If they treat you badly, you should not be there. And this little mantra is really applicable in all situations. Whether the relationship you're in is romantic, platonic, heterosexual, homosexual, business, or whatever else, you should never feel that being treated unfairly, or unequally or just downright shitty, is what you deserve, even if you've made mistakes.
I was in an abusive relationship for several years, and it was bad. Now, I wasn't getting violently physically abused, but it was abuse regardless. Emotional, physical, verbal, no matter what it is, it is hurtful and people do not deserve to receive any type of abuse from someone they are in a relationship with. For the longest time, I made up excuse after excuse not only to tell my friends but to rationalize it in my own head to make myself feel better about the situation. For the sake of keeping this article applicable to all relationships, I will refrain from using gender specific pronouns and disclosing personal information, because abuse happens in all types of relationships regardless of age, sex, religion, gender, or sexual identity. And a lot of people, (even my online sociology professor who dared to ask the question "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?") don't really understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship from first hand. Or even second hand, because maybe they just don't know someone whose been in a relationship like that, but let me tell you, IT SUCKS.
My relationship started as normal as every other relationship. Sweet, caring, fun, loving, and that's what everyone else saw too. I was happy and my friends were happy for me, and no one could predict what my life would have turned into just a few months later. Because at first, the abuse doesn't seem like abuse, at least, not what all those hotline posters talk about or what you see in movies. I wasn't fearing for my well-being or being kept away from my friends and family. There was no screaming, crying in a corner and definitely no black eyes, and up until then, that is what I thought was a genuinely abusive relationship. Because fights were a normal part of being in a relationship.
Arguments and disagreements are worked out and you get through it together. But you have to be careful about which arguments are worth fighting and which ones are just not right. Because there are some fights that are not your problem, and you should not feel like you need to take blame or feel bad for something just because someone is yelling at you. The person I was in a relationship with would pick fights, and argue about things that were completely out of my control, but they managed to make me feel guilt through their own manipulation. They would bring up partners in my past, and when I used the counterargument "But it was before I even knew you" they would get even angrier and blame me for not caring about their feelings, or not taking responsibility for what I did. Somehow, I turned into the bad guy and they were the victim, constantly lashing out because I did something wrong, or I did something that upset them, all the while, they were pushing their feelings onto me. But really, I had done nothing, It was not my job to make them feel better over something that they should not have had a problem with in the first place. It was their own jealousies and problems they had with themselves that caused them to act this way.
That's when the real signs of abuse started happening. Fights would emerge out of thin air. Before long, I started getting called names. I was annoying, stupid, naive. I was told to shut up when I had a comeback and to talk when I had nothing more to say. I was the asshole, the whore, the bitch, the dick. And yet somehow, at the time, it did not strike me to leave. Because after every time, they would apologize, and sincerely too. It would turn into "I didn't call you annoying, I said I was annoyed." Or "I didn't mean to say that, I was just super pissed off, not at you, just at life" and probably the biggest one of all time, "I'm sorry, It won't happen again. I love you." And when they seem genuinely upset, in shock that they could even have taken out their anger at you, profusely apologizing, you start to give in and feel bad for them as if they're some out of control child who had a temper tantrum, and you say "it's OK." But it's not OK, not by a long shot. Literally the complete opposite of OK. I was being manipulated into thinking that it was normal to get in fights like that. That they didn't really mean all those hurtful things they were screaming at me just a few minutes prior. I wanted to believe that it was OK because believing in that was so much easier than realizing how f**cked up the situation really was, and that I was in what was going to be a very long and abusive relationship.
I started hanging out less and less with my friends. Making time for them was hard with school and work and someone who was constantly complaining that they weren't getting enough time with me, that I didn't care enough, that I liked my other friends better then them. From that it turned into "I don't even get why you're friends with them, they're childish" or "They're not really good friends to you and I don't like them." I started isolating myself, and I chalked it up to that I was just changing as a person and growing out of my old friends. Of course, I didn't push them completely away, I still stayed in touch, but I was just distanced enough to where we weren't close enough to talk about really private serious issues, like the downward spiral of a relationship I had gotten myself into. And also, it was just a very embarrassing thing to have to admit to. Who wants to say that they've been in a relationship all this time, getting treated badly and just taking it. When I really started coming out to my friends about what was really going on, I felt relieved but also scared. Scared at what they would think, scared at what they would say behind my back. Some people didn't understand and would ask "Why don't you just leave then?" thinking it was as simple as just saying goodbye and leaving. Which is very unhelpful because it only made me feel like I was an idiot for being in the relationship but also for opening up about it. I just had to remember that they didn't understand the kind of manipulation and control I was exposed to.
Most of my friends were much smarter and much more blunt and could say the things that I was too in denial to think about. But even then, I chose to stay, because I remembered a time when things were perfect and everything worked out and I was happy. And there would still be moments where I felt that way, and I felt like we were getting back, but something would happen to interrupt that perfectly happy moment. My relationship was all ups and downs and it was super unhealthy, but I felt like it was all I had. It had become such a big constant in my life that I didn't know what I would do without it. What if we broke up? What if it turns out to be a mistake? What if they find someone else? So again, I stayed, because of fear, and what I thought was love. I thought I was so in love that I needed them, that I didn't want to be without them, that I wouldn't be able to handle being alone.
And then the violence started happening. This was already a couple years into the relationship and it was completely new to me. Now, I should disclose that I have dealt with angry/violent family members before. I was raised in a culture that used physical punishment and I grew up familiar with it, and I think that it does have a relation with what you tolerate as an adult. I started seeing holes being punched in the wall, remote controllers flying in the air, and them actually causing physical harm to themselves out of anger. Hitting themselves in the head, squeezing things so hard they would break and cut their hand, it was terrifying, but my excuse was that at least I wasn't getting hurt. But I was. I grew more fearful every time I saw them throw something, or break something, or physically harm themselves. Again, I was never punched in the face, or kicked or slapped, but they started to hurt me as well. Once, during a really bad fight, I just wanted to leave, and as I was trying to get out of the door, they got in front of me, holding my wrist, squeezing tighter and tighter the more I struggled to get out the door. I couldn't tell if they were trying to restrain or restrain themselves from hurting me even more. And I was scared. Every time a fight would occur, I would get scared, thinking that the same thing would happen again. Because that's what would always happen. I would freeze up, trying to focus on one thought, when all I really wanted to do was be out of that situation all together. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, I didn't want to be where I was, But I couldn't go anywhere or do anything, not while they were this angry. I felt that if I said the wrong thing, or moved the wrong way, that they would just get more angry. Which they still did anyways, again blaming me for "not talking." But I couldn't even concentrate on what I was thinking about because on one end I had someone screaming at me, and on the other end my mind was racing through all the possible options that I could do to get myself out of the situation.
And STILL even after all of that, I stayed. I dealt with it for years. Years of unhappiness and wishing for something that I knew would never happen. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be with anyone else, I didn't know where to go or what to do, all I wanted was the person that I first met, who was kind and perfect and fun. But that wasn't the person who I was with. That person was long gone, and was filled with anger and hate and self-loathing that was taken out on me, the person they supposedly loved most in the world. And they would use that as an excuse too. "I'm only harsh on you because I care about you." "If I didn't love you I would just walk away." But that is not love. That is manipulation. That is control. That is evil. And if you ever experience something even remotely close to it, please, please, PLEASE get out. Because as scary as it may feel, and as difficult as it is, you will be a better and happier person as far away from someone who is trying to take advantage of you and your feelings. It might take a while to do, it might require help from friends and family and strangers and professionals, but it is entirely possible to get out of an abusive relationship, and as impossible as it might feel, you are in control of yourself and your life, and you do not need to stay or owe it to anyone to stay with them for any reason if you are unhappy with the way you are getting treated. If you aren't in an abusive relationship, and know someone who is, even if you are not close with them, I urge you to reach out and help, to show them that there are perfectly kind people in the world, and to let them know that they are not alone and that they are not at fault for what is happening to them. Believe me, it makes such a difference to just let someone know that you care and would help if they ever needed it.
