When we see someone in an abusive relationship, we tend to think, “Well, why don’t they just get out of it?”
It’s such a simple solution, isn’t it? Leave something that hurts you.
There are so many things, however, that make simply leaving so much more complicated even for the closest of friends to understand.
Sometimes, the one getting abused feel that they can’t simply “get out” of an unhealthy relationship:
Because they don't know they're in one.
Many people don't know how bad it is until they look back on it. You almost never see unhappy relationships in the media these days, nor is it a common occurrence for someone to come out to their friends or relatives about it. Sometimes, it's only until after the fact when everything is clear; when the nostalgic goggles break.
Because they don't know how.
Those who are being abused may think that there's no escape from it. Leaving is just not that simple for someone in a relationship so controlling, especially if the abuser helicopters them, which is all too common.
Because they don't think people will believe them if they told them.
Some people may think that the abuser doing anything as horrid as ruining someone's life and self-esteem is farfetched for them. "Whaaaat? Are you serious? But they're such a sweet and loving person! How can you say that about them after everything they've done for you?" NEVER SAY THIS TO SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. They are confiding in you something that they had to work up a lot of courage to say, and not believing them adds to the problem.
Because the person they're in a relationship with may be more than just a partner.
The abuser doesn't have to be just a psychotic boyfriend/girlfriend. It can be a friend, a relative, or even a co-worker that’s found someone younger, smaller, or more fragile to use to their advantage and can even use as a puppet. The person being abused can be living with their abuser and may have to see them every day. Think about that.
Because they may not even have a way to tell anyone.
The abuser wants to make sure of they are in full control of the relationship. It’s a common thing for the abuser to try and swerve the abusee away from their closest friends, making sure that the abuser takes center-stage in their lives. It’s basically saying, “I don’t like your friends because I know that they can treat you better than I can.”
Because the person abused thinks that this is what love is supposed to be.
An abusive relationship with non-stop arguing, belittling, and fighting can definitely skew a person's perception on what a true relationship should be like. They may think that the insults, the lies, the bruising, the anger is all-natural. They clearly did something wrong, so it’s only fair that they get punished for it, right? Every rose does have its thorn.
Because the abuser may be the most important person in their life.
For some people, as horrible as it is, the abuser may be their biggest lifeline. The abuser could remind the one they’re controlling that they owe them something. That the relationship is recompense for all the wonderful things they’ve ever done for them. The abuser could have totally helped the abusee in the past; saved their life, talked to them when no one else would, etc. If anything, the abusee should be lucky someone is patrolling and protecting them from being so stupid and selfish.
Because it’s not always physical.
An abusive relationship can be more than what we think it is. It can also be a mentally abusive relationship involving the person being constantly insulted and degraded, thus wrecking their self-esteem. Manipulation is a tool used against the abusee.
“Well, if you leave, I’ll kill myself.”
“You’re nothing without me. I’m the best thing in your life right now.”
“You’re going to be miserable without me, and I won’t be there to pick you up after you make your mistakes like I always do.”
This adds stress that should never be there. Love is not, nor should it ever be, stressful and unpredictable. We can see bruises, but we can’t see what’s in a person’s mind.
Because they might think that they don't deserve better.
When you get something for so long, you may think it's what you deserve. After being constantly berated, sometimes one is too weak to say no to it. The logic may be so skewed as for the abusee to think, “Wow, I’m such a terrible person, but this loving individual has always stood by me. They’re right. I would be miserable without them.” Like stated before: they may even feel lucky.
Because they might think that there's something left to salvage.
It's not always an abusive relationship from day one. Long ago, there was love there. There’s still a glimmer of hope to get it back. The abuser isn’t always some evil monster lurking in the shadows of their prey. Sometimes, they give the abusee gifts, takes them on really nice trips, tells them every little thing they’ve ever wanted to hear. All bait to immediately take away and dangle in front of them when it’s time to lure them back in. “Wouldn’t it be great if it was like this all the time?”
And why does this matter to me?
Because all ten of these things applied to the relationship between me and my abuser.
I dated this guy my junior year of high school who was literally my entire world. I would spend every other day with him, and we started off as best friends. When things began to escalate, everything seemed to change. He didn't like it when I talked to my friends, would text me every other minute to ask what I was doing and why it was taking me so long to respond, and would give me the silent treatment whenever I said anything that he didn't like. He would apply for jobs at places I specifically said that I hated working at just to prove that my feelings of anger and frustration were so petty, and would always note that he was the one thing that could make me happy. He would tell me that he could "make my depression go away" and that I was "meant to be with him." Since this relationship started, I believed him. He helped me when I was suicidal. Of course I should believe him.
Even after all the times he would belittle me in front of my friends.
Even after he told me that making out and almost having sex was the only thing that could make me happy.
Even after all the times he would insult my appearance and my social anxiety.
Even after he slapped me in public for having an anxiety attack and said nothing about it afterwards.
With this being my first serious relationship, I thought all of this was supposed to happen. That these instances of being hurt by him were bumps in the road, and that it was only fair punishment for me being so weak, so mentally unstable at the time. And he was such a nice guy! He would buy me such cute gifts and make me little art trinkets that I would put around my room and comfort me when I felt alone.
But sometimes, he was the reason why I felt alone.
If I ever talked about it with some people I thought I could trust, I would feel this insane amount of guilt when I got the same “I don’t believe you; it will get better!” so many times. Even my parents thought it was merely me over-reacting for the longest time. It was only until after the fact when I realized just how bad it was.
This guy and I did have some wonderful times, but they were few and far between. I remember close to nothing about the dates we had, but I can tell you every small detail about when I got slapped.
And when it was over, he would still make it a point to stalk me at my job and text me daily that I was making a mistake for backing out. After two years of switching numbers and never hearing from him again, it felt like shedding off a skin. To this day, I feel as though he still walks around my dreams and follows me to my classes and with my friends as we get ice cream and on my dates with other guys. I feel like maybe one day he’ll find me to either apologize for everything he had done or try to swoop back in and swipe me back.
But now, I know better. I know I have friends that treat me better than I can possibly treat myself, and that one day I’ll find someone who will make me so happy and feel so loved I’ll forget my abuser’s name. These loving people had been around me for so long, and it made me wish I knew that what I went through wasn’t okay and that I could have told the right people about it sooner.
Now, I feel stronger and that I know how I should be treated.
And I hope you feel the same.
If you or someone you know believes that they’re in an abusive relationship, please talk to someone you know you can trust. It can save so many people.
Crisis Center Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Boone Police Department: 828-268-6900
