Alcohol is basically the poisonous fecal matter of yeast. It's the toxic substance released by yeast when it utilizes anaerobic respiration. It's the thing their bodies consider worthless and dangerous. That's what you put in your body every time you drink.

Yeast poop.

If you think drinking cow milk is weird because you're drinking the fluids of another creature, think about alcohol. You're literally forcing yeast to breathe and drinking the equivalent of its poop. That said, I am a human being who partakes in the drinking of milk, the eating of cheese, and even the consumption of animal flesh. I eat mushrooms. Those grow in fecal matter, too.

So the reasons I don't drink alcohol aren't related to how it's made, but it's just one more reason to pile on that might make somebody stop.

1. Based on harm, it's the most lethal drug in the world.

According to the Chicago Tribune, alcohol is the most lethal drug in the world. Though it causes less harm to an individual's body on single use than crack cocaine and heroin, it causes exponentially more death throughout society. Alcohol kills 2.5 million people a year and is the third most likely cause of death, outside of the realm of communicable and noncommunicable diseases.

I don't do drugs that qualify in the as-dangerous-as-crack-and-heroin category. It just sounds like a bad idea even before you know how much it can screw up your body. Alcohol causes more bodily harm on one time use than a dose of ecstasy or LSD. Would you do ecstasy? Would you do LSD? I wouldn't, and I'm not doing something worse.

2. More people are addicted to alcohol than anything else.

Alcohol is considered the sixth most addictive drug in the world. The withdrawal symptoms are so intense they can cause death. Because it is socially acceptable to drink it (ugh), more people are addicted to alcohol than people are addicted to any other drug. A whopping seven percent of the population of the U.S. is addicted to alcohol. Though it is less addictive physiologically than some other drugs, the social prevalence of it makes it hard for addicts to avoid.

Potential for addiction that could cause death? Yeah, no. Not even close to worth the "fun times."

3. It's a depressant, meaning it slows down your system and can lead to negative behavior.

People often drink to "relax" or when they are feeling sad or stressed out. This is the most dangerous thing they could do. Alcohol can worsen feelings of depression and sadness. It causes the nervous system to slow down. If you don't have a medical reason to do it, don't. If you don't feel good, don't drink. I mean, I don't want you to drink ever, but don't drink when you're feeling bad especially.

4. It stinks.

Like butts.

5. It also tastes like butts.

Seriously, have you ever tasted it? I mean really, really tasted it. Not in some mixed drinks that are mostly sugar. I have had approximately four "sips" of alcohol in my entire life. The sips were intended to remind me that alcohol tastes like butts. It's gross. It makes your breath smell gross. If you have to cover the taste with additives, you're not in it for the substance. You're in it for the high. I like to be sober and drink, like, yummy stuff. Stuff I didn't have to "acquire a taste for."

6. It limits inhibitions and reduces control over the consciousness.

I know what you're thinking: This is the point, right? I want to reduce my inhibitions and let go.

We've already been over how alcohol is a depressant, but that also lends itself to your inhibitions. Letting go of your consciousness is dangerous. Any task you do becomes a riskier. You may have an inhibition that tells you to not get in a car and drive when you're drunk. Enough alcohol? Maybe you'll lose your inhibition and kill someone. I may be taking this to the extreme, but it has happened hundreds of thousands of times. I don't think any good time is worth the danger.

7. When you are intoxicated, you can't give consent to have sex.

I'll say it a little louder for the people in the back: If you are intoxicated, you can't consent to sex. If your partner is intoxicated, they can't consent to sex. If you have sex with them, you could be charged with sexual assault.

This is no laughing matter. Yes, I get it. You're partners, and you agreed to have sex before you got drunk, right? Well, take the risk if you really want to, but consider how much more fun it would be if you were conscious and sentient. To be clear, one drink might make someone drunk. That depends on the person, their biological sex, their body weight, the timing, and so on. If their level of consciousness is even remotely altered, let them sober up. Let them sober up. You will thank yourself.

It's not my job to explain what can happen to your genitals when you're drunk, so feel free to click through to that link.

8. It is dangerous to consume alongside hundreds of life-changing medications.

Once upon a time, a waiter thought it would be hilarious to give me a real drink instead of the virgin, nonalcoholic one I asked for. I asked for a strawberry daiquiri with no alcohol. I asked for a strawberry smoothie, for all intents and purposes. I drank it fast. Shortly, I turned to my mother and asked if I could lay my head down on the table and sleep in the middle of our family dinner. She told me no, but I did it anyway. I couldn't keep my head up. I became virtually unconscious, capable of moving around only with help so I wouldn't lose my balance.

Why? Well, I was taking a medication that doesn't mix well with alcohol. I have anxiety. I treat it with Prozac. Prozac and alcohol do not mix. If my mother hadn't been there and I'd been alone, I wouldn't have had much fight in me if something were to happen.

Mixing alcohol with any depressant can be similarly dangerous.Alcohol shouldn't be taken with narcotic painkillers. They fall under the depressant category. Vicodin can slow down the central immune system so much that it can kill a person who is also drinking alcohol. Any sleeping medication or sedative (especially Xanax) will have the same effect.

Mixing alcohol with any stimulant can be dangerous, too. ADHD medication (such as Adderall) can make you feel less drunk than you actually are when taken with alcohol. This will make you unable to recognize when you are drinking dangerously.

Did I cover your drug? Then save yourself a trip to the emergency room. The world is brighter with you in it.

9. It makes you look, sound, and act stupid.

Seriously, do you think tumbling and slurring is attractive? It isn't. Not even a little bit. You make sober people uncomfortable, awkward, and unimpressed. You become a hazard to yourself and others. You are the subjecting of laughing. Not bullying about something you can't control. People will judge your character and choices. They will not feel sorry for you.

10. It's a corporate poison.

Companies that sell alcohol know exactly how bad it is for you and don't care at all. Sure, they sometimes release those cutesy commercials about how you need to drink responsibly, but they are still trying to push a life threatening product upon you. This is a neat read on how corporations create an "illusion of righteousness" that makes it seem like they're selling some wholesome product.

No, no, I'm not for drug prohibition. I hate the war on drugs. No, I'm not going to hate you if you drink. I'll probably hate you when you drink—or at least hate the fact that you are drinking—and I'm definitely not going to date you. I'm not here to control your life, but I'm still suggesting that none of these risks are worth a short buzz. Learn healthier ways to socialize and relax. You will be safer for it.