Approximately one in three women and one in four men will experience abuse of some kind in their lifetime. A victim will leave her abuser an average of seven times before leaving for good.
With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I decided to ask a large group of domestic violence survivors the common question they get, "why didn't you just leave?" and I received almost 100 responses in a few hours. Leaving an abusive relationship can be scary and complicated; there are endless reasons why victims stay with abusers. I created a list of common reasons why and quotes from some of the responses I got.
Each quote is followed by the name of the survivor (with some names being changed to protect the identity of the survivor) and how long the relationship lasted.
Denial
"I didn't know how bad it was. I made excuses and covered things up. I always justified the things that happened. I would ignore the bad and only focus on the good." -Sherry, 4 years
"You live on false hope that they will change or on a belief that it's not that bad... When it really is." -Matthew
Love
"I loved him and still do. I was so suppressed emotionally I didn't even feel I could make it without him" -Katie, 18 years in relationship
"I loved him, had a child with him and believed he would change and all of his promises! I believed he loved me enough to change!" -Bethany, 7 years
"I had never had love in my entire life. I thought this was what love was. He said he loved me." -Nikki
"I stayed with him because I was still in love with the person he had been in the past & thought he would change back to that." -Willa, 22 years
I thought I could help him
"He didn't start out that way. Mental illness isn't a excuse, but it became a problem as his mental illness got worse so did the abuse. I thought I could help him, but he didn't want help. We met in high school and married at 19" -Aerin
"He got diagnosed with mental illnesses and I felt bad for him, I thought that maybe his actions weren't his fault, I hoped if the illnesses were treated that it would all get better." -Jackie
"I didn't leave because I loved him. I loved him with every cell of my body. He was the reason I woke up in the morning. I looked after him and he needed me. I thought he would change. I thought he would stop the drink and drugs and the aggression and violence. With time my love and support would change him." -Ann
Expectations
"I wanted everything to be perfect. I thought if I could just be better or do better that it would all get better. I tried to keep him happy and I thought everything was my fault." -Lauren
"We got married young. He was my first serious relationship and I thought all relationships are just like this, I didn't know any different." -Sam
"I did not want my family to know everything that happened." -Mark
Children
"...I would have had to leave my baby in the hands of that monster!!!" -Christina, 4.5 years
"He told me I would never see my kids again. And I couldn't imagine sharing custody of my kids. At least if we were together I could have them every day." -Jen
"My family was in danger." -Felicia, 3 years
"Because when I tried, he would grab my oldest baby and take him with him; I was not leaving either one of my babies behind with him!" -Emilee
"I wanted to give my kids what I had as a girl growing up two loving parents." -Rachel
Fear
"Fear...and no one would help....we moved ALOT and he kept me broke. He tried to kill me a few times." -Carrie
"Abusers deploy many weapons against their target. One of the first things they do is destroy their self-confidence. Someone with little to no confidence will not immediately see leaving their abuser as an option because she won't believe she can." -Jess, 10 years
"I never left because of fear and him telling me I would never be anything or have anything without him" -Sarah, 14 years
"We all want to leave at some point but if someone has that much control over you and you're getting constantly threatened like I will find you and kill you." -Kassie
"He threatened to kill my son, my parents and me. He broke my finger trying to rip our baby from my arms and took my keys and phone away. He confiscated my bank cards, my paychecks and any mail I got. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone where we lived. My family all lived 1,200 miles away. I was afraid of being homeless with a new baby. I didn't know how to be a single mom and had 0 money or car. I loved him because on the good days he was beautiful." Jade
"He is a paramedic and he saved my life on one of his calls ...which is how we met.. he always told me it was because of him I was alive but he could also be the reason I would die." -Samantha
"He was great in the beginning, then after the birth of our daughter, his behavior changed. He became controlling over the money, emotionally manipulating making feel like everything was always my fault, always wanting a reaction out of me if he felt like I wasn't acting worthy enough. He kept me stressed out throughout my pregnancy with our daughter, tried pushing me out of his truck going well over 90mph, shoved me against the kitchen wall, pushed me away from our daughter while she was dangling from his arms." -Bekka
"I became an emotional zombie, with no hope only fear." -Hannah
Guilt
"He would turn things around every time. He would make me feel like it was my fault that he hurt me... He would justify why he did it. I felt like it was my fault. He could make everyone feel bad for him and he knew I couldn't stand him being upset." -Mary
"He said he would kill himself if I left him and I couldn't bear the thought of being the reason someone killed themselves" -Sara, 5 years
"I felt like I was a bad wife and I just didn't want to give up. I felt guilty to leave him on the streets b/c his family wasn't here." -Ren, 5 years
Hope
"I believed everything he said when he told me it was going to be okay and he would change we were only together for 4 short months but I could go to him for anything and everything its been 8 months and I still miss him and his voice telling me its going to be okay hopefully it'll stop someday." -Katherine
"I was told over and over again that I could never do any better, and I started to really believe that. I was extremely attached to his kids. I really truly loved him even though he hurt me and really held on thinking that he really would change. I didn't talk to any of my family members (due to on-going issues/arguments) and had very little friends around the area who I could turn to or stay with for a while until I got my feet on the ground. I didn't make a lot of money at all. Not enough to break things off with him and keep my house and pay all the bills I had to pay. I felt tied down and felt that was extremely impossible for me to leave the situation I was in."
'When he didn't abuse me, he treated me like a queen. Financial, housework, waited on me hand and foot." -Marnie, 5 years
"They're charming...they make you believe in their goodness and their ability to change." -Haley
Isolation
"I was trapped... my family lived a hundred miles away and I knew nobody." -Chrissy
"in some ways, it felt like maybe I deserved this, in others, there was just no way to [leave]. It's easy for people on the outside to say those words, but being on the inside, where you have no money, no place to go, no self-esteem, and four others lives depending on you, it's not as easy as they think." -Andrea, 10 years
Control
"You can't just leave, it's not that simple... I remember being younger and watching lifetime movies about domestic violence and always saying "I don't know why they don't just leave, if a man ever hit me once I'd be gone!" My ex gained complete control over my life, my money, my belongings, my feelings. I had two kids and nowhere to go. You fear standing up to someone with so much power over you and just when you feel like you have enough strength to leave they sense it... They manipulate you into believing they love you and that they didn't mean any of the pain and the hurt and that they can change.... That's the best I can explain it. I honestly don't think anyone will ever understand unless they have been through it... I know I didn't." -Mary
"This man had complete and total control of me. He emotionally and verbally abused me down to the point I couldn't speak for myself. If someone asked me my name I had to look up at him and see if I was allowed to speak. I agree with the ladies that say emotional and verbal abuse can be worse than the physical, although we all know how horrible the physical can be. He had me so low and isolated to only him. I gave up my friends and what little family I had at the time and was only allowed to speak and see him.....how do u get out of a situation like that? He also gaslighted me, meaning every time he hurt me he said he didn't touch me....how confusing was that. Why didn't I leave....well I couldn't even speak for myself and all I knew was him...try getting out of that. He almost killed me twice, but I still stayed out of total fear. I was very young. -Nikki, 2 years
"I was his I wasn't me." -Taryn, 15 years
StableDiffusion
StableDiffusion
StableDiffusion
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