I hate suicide with a passion. Not only does it cut short lives of incredible potential, but in its wake it leaves bitter grief for their friends and family. I could have become one of its many victims when I was in eighth grade, but miraculously I am still here. With that being said, I want to tell you why I didn’t kill myself and why you shouldn’t either.
For those of you who have never heard me say it before, you may be surprised to hear that I was suicidal at one point. Please do not feel bad for me though. If I had not experienced such pain I would not know the saving power of my Heavenly Father, nor would I understand his love for me and his love for others.
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So here’s my story:
I probably had one of the best childhoods a kid could ask for, with wonderful parents who cared for me and four fantastic siblings. But even in near-ideal conditions it’s very possible to forget what you’re worth and to believe that you don’t have reason to live.
I remember one time in eighth grade I mistreated someone, and afterward I began to heap guilt on myself. I locked myself in my closet and began to write notes about how worthless I was. Thankfully my brother caught me and told my parents, but in the following weeks I continued to indulge more and more in that kind of thinking.
As my thoughts grew worse, I eventually found myself wishing to die. I never came close to actually taking my life, but I was still miserable. Most of the day I felt fine, but whenever I got home and had time to think I got barraged with lies and I believed them. My life was actually quite good – I had plenty of food and rest, and academically I was maintaining excellent grades. But having these apart from knowing that God loves you is absolutely useless. Although I believed in God, I thought that he loved everyone else in the world but hated me infinitely. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t true, but Gotye said it best – “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,” and wallowing in depression strangely seemed more pleasurable than finding a way out. God truly had become “somebody that I used to know.”
I didn’t talk to God very much, but I distinctly remember praying that if he really did love me, then he would kill me so I wouldn’t have to. The insane thing is that he did answer my prayer in his own way, but I’ll get to that later.
One night I remember feeling unusually desperate to be free. I would usually just cry on the floor and be content to maintain that cycle, but not tonight. I was suddenly compelled to tell my dad about what I was going through. I don’t remember how long I waited at my door, but all I know is that it was one of the single hardest things I’ve ever done. I finally pushed the door open and sat down in the living room.
I told my dad that I had something to tell him, and I ashamedly confessed that I was having thoughts of suicide. He was stunned but so compassionate, and he prayed for me. He told every lying spirit to leave me in Jesus’ name, and immediately I wasn’t suicidal anymore. The next day, the next week, and even the next month I did not have one more thought. I even found myself searching for those thoughts, but they weren’t even there to go back to! I was free. Even though I allowed myself several months later to slip back, God rescued me yet again and after that I was never suicidal again.
I am so glad I went through that. Although it was never God’s will to watch one of his beloved children want to kill himself, I think he has a lot of fun throwing the devil’s plans back in his face. Satan tried to kill me and take me to hell with him, but because Jesus himself reached out his hand I was able to see his love for me in the worst of situations. And now he gets the pleasure of using my story to save others, so that they too may come out of darkness and know the joy of the Light.
And back to my prayer to God that he would kill me – he actually did. Romans 6:6 says that “We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin” (NLT). God killed the sinful person I used to be on the cross with Jesus, so that I would be born again in his likeness as I was originally created. And that applies to everyone who would believe in his Son.
If you are suicidal, I want you to know how loved you are by God your Father! He is so crazy about you, and he was willing to give up his Son just to have you. Jesus’ arm is reaching for you, and all you have to do it take it. Don’t try to pull yourself out; let him do that. Listen to his voice as he calls you his Beloved.
If you're reaching for an escape from life, remember that Jesus has been reaching for you far longer!
Works Cited:
Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation.
Special thanks to my amazing dad, Billy Ford, for editing this article!
