The older I get, the more wisdom and knowledge I acquire about myself and the world we live in. Being only 19 years old, I know I am so young and have so much more to learn and experience.
Though, the 19 years I have experienced have genuinely frightened me.
My experience sure is different than any other person's. We all experience and live life differently, although I am sure many people can relate to myself and share certain aspects we have gone through and experienced.
What has frightened me so much about life comes from the feeling of depression.
This is a topic I do not especially like discussing as clearly it is not the most uplifting or positive topic to write about and spread to the world. Instead, it is raw, important, and should be talked about.
The reason I have become so frightened is because of how I look at it from an outside perspective. I feel as though I look at my depressed self, as someone who is not, and I tell myself how much beauty and kindness there is in the world and how we must look on the brighter side of things, and spread positivity to feel positivity.
I feel as if I have so much wisdom to give to myself, yet none of it is meaningful. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and, no matter how much beauty I can find in the world, I cannot balance the chemicals in my brain that leads to the feeling of depression.
It scares me because it is so much a part of me. I see all the time, "I am not my [insert mental illness]," and maybe I'm not. But it sure feels like it. It truly lives in me.
Sometimes, I think it is temporary, as I will have periods where I feel consistently happy and I truly feel as if I have beaten the depression. I have pushed it out of my brain for the last time, but it's never the last time. It always comes back. I always think happiness is home and depression is the inconvenient visitor, but at times, I'll believe it is the other way around.
I'm frightened because this feeling can manifest so much hopelessness.
It truly feels as if I will never be able to escape such a feeling. It lives with me and will always live with me. This is the idea that I ultimately fear so much.
Looking at this from my other perspective, as I do, I know that simply isn't true. I research and read about others' similar experiences, and I know there is hope. I know that it is my depression making me hopeless, but I cannot help it. I feel as if I am holding so many feelings in my mind that are constantly contradicting each other, and it's truly a battle.
Experiencing this battle not only feels exhausting and strenuous but also lonely. So much activity in your head can block out so much outside of your head that you feel like the only person on the planet going through this battle. The reason I believe this is a topic that should be openly talked about is to assure those people that they are not alone, and many others are fighting as well.
