I just felt so alone. I'd be so stressed out that I hear voices in my head screaming and telling me that it's the end of the world. Those same voices teamed up with my paranoia to spew garbage about how everyone is against you and no one's genuine. I fought these voices every day and had a hard time ignoring them. I stopped eating because I could not handle the social stress anymore. I could not handle the constant over thinking. At that point everything and everyone became "fake". I needed help distinguishing reality from fiction and I couldn't do it alone. Of course, I have a family, but they can't be there 24/7. I need another type of support.
Once I did see a counselor I felt liberated. Finally, I had someone to talk to on campus who made me feel like I mattered and reassured me that I am not crazy. I intend to keep going. Based on her assessment she picked up that I had depression, anxiety and possibly post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was shocked, I thought that mostly soldiers got PTSD. It was hard accepting this diagnosis because I didn't want to have these things and I wanted them to go away. I know that it takes time, effort, medication and many other things to subdue these problems, but at the end of it all; I still have to live with these things every day.
I came to the conclusion that physically I looked good, but mentally I felt ugly. I looked good on paper too. I hate being pitied, but it's time to tell the truth. Eminem once said, "It's time to clean out the closet." The reason I used Kid Cudi as an image for this article is because he suffers from depression and anxiety too. I could sense that in his music, which is probably why it speaks to me so much.
My counselor noticed that I want so many things. I want to be better. I want to be more intelligent, smarter and literate. I know that it's up to me to change them and so far I've been successful. She said that I see the glass full instead of empty. It's that 10% of the time we think that the worst is here and it's never going to get better. At this point, I don't even know what else to do, except schedule another appointment and take it a day at a time.
If you personally are feeling even 5% of what you just read, please, seek out a counselor as well. I guarantee you will feel better about whatever situation is going on right now. You don't have to deal with the painful feelings alone. Don't think that you can solve whatever mental issues you have by cutting yourself or taking drugs because there are other alternatives to self-harm.
