“Careful,” my friend said as I reached up to put a protein bar in my store basket. “Too much protein can make you constipated.”
I looked at her, the sort of way one does when their friend says the “c-word” in public. “Ah,” I replied, as if I suddenly understood the mysteries of the universe, and the aisles of Walmart had transformed into the astral plane. I added a few more brightly-colored bars to my basket.
Now, you might think I would have listened to a trusted friend with a trusted wellspring of health-related information. Or at least, maybe I should have listened because, after all, we were friends. Regardless, I did not. Have I any regrets?
Oh, yes.
Many.
In this case, it’s actually less difficult to talk about than it is to, shall we say, experience.
It just so happened that as I scrolled down the beautiful mess that is Instagram posts, I saw a familiar face endorsing what looked like a very expensive bag of tea. And it was, as I guessed, a very expensive bag of tea. However, Amazon Prime being a good friend of mine, and my tax returns having just been released into my welcoming arms, I decided to give it a go. So that I might, shall we say, give it a go.
I’m not really one for fad teas, detox teas or really any kind of tea that can’t be found at a discount store. But I do believe, to some extent, in their great power. I wouldn’t trust them with my life, but I might trust them with my bowels.
So there I was, paying 50¢ for a cup of hot water at Starbucks (get a Venti, it’s the same price) because, why not drink your bougie laxative tea in a bougie big ol’ cup? I drank it, went to the gym, watched a few new episodes of Voltron, and then went to bed.
In the morning…I truly saw the astral plane. I felt light; airy. All the adjectives pertaining to whatever naked angel is currently floating on the clouds of a toilet paper ad. It was my saving grace; everything I needed and more. Did I have a halo? Probably.
This was potent magic.
But as my dear Rumplestiltskin says, “All magic comes with a price.”
In 2016, British journalist Dr. Lauretta Ihonor started a petition on change.org to have the detox tea brand “BooTea” remove the laxative senna from their 28-day Teatox package. Her petition was a success with over 28,000 supporters. The company eventually did start offering teatoxes without senna, as Dr. Ihonor claims it “can cause extreme dehydration and damage your colon, liver, heart, and muscles if taken for longer than 1-2 weeks.” Advertising detox teas as weight loss supplements or quick ways to get in shape is dangerous—all you’re really losing is water.
Senna leaf is, of course, an FDA-approved nonprescription laxative. But some detox teas don't advertise that the ingredient is one of the reasons their "detox" actually works, nor do they advertise that senna can affect your own medications—for example, injesting senna while taking certain birth control pills might decrease their effectiveness.
Seeing as the tea I bought literally claims to be a “Colon Cleanse,” I don’t think there will be an issue here. But any kind of laxative tea can be dangerous if taken too often. Most experts agree that these kinds of teas should really only be taken every couple of days, or as needed, and never for longer than two weeks at a time.
Know what you are putting into your body, and don't just buy something because someone you vaguely know on Instagram promoted it. And never do a "30-day tea cleanse," like Demi Lovato once suggested to fans, if you don't know what the ingredients actually do. Or do one even at all, actually. If teatoxes are magic, fiber is a weapon. Use the latter more often please, and put your love for your body on top.
As for me and my tea…well, it's going to be the occasional Beyoncé to the that nasty “c-word.” In her immortal words: “Baby I won't shed a tear for you / I won't lose a wink of sleep / ‘Cause the truth of the matter / Is replacing you is so easy… I'll have another you by tomorrow / So don't you ever for a second / Get to thinking you're irreplaceable.”
