Growing up I never really had a good Christmas. I never went through a believing in Santa Clause stage, I never was happy to wake up Christmas morning to get presents, and honestly I genuinely never really liked Christmas. Though I know that we are supposed to really celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ on Christmas day, it still is very difficult to know that Christmas to me never was, and will never be, the same as other people. Being in Trinidad use to give Christmas a different feel with the bright spirit and cheer that everyone had. It made it a little more bearable more than anything; however, now that I have moved to America I find myself every year asking why do I bother. Christmas in Trinidad was more fun. The people, music, and the atmosphere were more lively than here. Trinidad also was genuine in celebrating the holiday, and not so commercial about it. People in Trinidad knew how to make it fun and simply put more like home. Here, however, it does not feel that way at all. It feels grey and depressing.
The season is not holly or jolly, and that explains why I rather listen to R&B Christmas music that the other kinds. I gave up caring for gifts a long time ago because I realized that I never was able to get what I want so why bother with it. I slowly but surely lost my Christmas cheer, and now I just feel like I am going with the flow of everything. I get gifts without expecting a single thing, and it does not bother me anymore when I do not get what I want because I already expect not to. No matter what anyone does, to me, Christmas does not feel like Christmas anymore.
I do not know what it is like to sit by a fireplace with a blanket listening to Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. I do not know what it is like to have my family over to celebrate this holiday that everyone loves so much. I do not know what it feels like to actually get what you want for Christmas, and I barely know how to hold onto the true meaning of Christmas in the midst of all that I go through. To me, Christmas has become another day of the year, and it is not something that I really look forward to anymore. While everyone is filled with holiday cheer, I just sit and reflect on my year. I think about all the things I accomplished or fell short thereof. I think of all of the things I want to do better at next year, and in years to come.
So while everyone is laughing and filled with so much cheer, I hope they enjoy this season for all of those who are like me and have lost their Christmas cheer. Not a Grinch or a Scrooge, just people who have been disappointed enough for the year that this just becomes a regular day. I hope one day the joy will come back and one day I will be able to say "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" in a genuinely cheerful and happy way.
