Most of my life, I have sat back and watched my friends date numerous guys and have many long-lasting relationships, whether they were successful or not, as I watched from the outside alone. At first, I would complain like any other young girl: “why do all my friends have boyfriends or guys asking them out but not me?” “Why has everyone I know fallen in love except for me?”
For a while, I thought it was me. Blaming myself for not doing something right, not looking or dressing the part and probably not being the most ideal girl, whatever that meant. Scraping through my brain thinking of ways to make myself better or more desirable. The only problem was that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was just wasting my time trying to think of ways to “improve” myself, which was just turning me into someone I’m not.
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To be honest, nothing I was doing was wrong. I still attracted guys, just not any guy I wanted.
I always told myself I never wanted to enter a relationship where I didn’t see a future with the guy or where I was too dependent on him. Truth to be told, I was never and still am not ready for one. It’s not because I haven’t had enough experience or I haven’t met the one, because honestly, who knows!
What I know right now and most likely for a while is that I want to be on my own. I am 20 years old and barely even know myself. I have no idea what I want to do in life, let alone who I want in my life. As a 20-year-old, I can confidently say that I’m barely responsible enough for myself, let alone another human.
There are so many things I want to do and need to do before I even want to consider having anyone in my life. I truly think you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and for some people like me, it can be a process. Not just loving your body, but also who you are, and I’m still discovering who I am.
This is why I will choose myself.
It’s not that I don't want to be alone or think I will be forever alone because I truly believe there is someone for everyone out there, but it’s all about timing and right now is not my time.
I’m fiercely independent and I have realized that I’m not going to have anyone around who will hold me back. I’m not saying anyone who is in a relationship right now can’t go after what they want, but if you have someone you know will make you think twice about that job or that long vacation you’ve been waiting to take, they are essentially holding you back without saying anything.
There are so many things I want to do and see in life that I really don’t want to have to think about the person who I want to stay back with because I will miss them too much. I don’t want to miss any opportunity that passes by me.
I want to see as much as I can while I am young. I want to be able to discover more of my talents and more of who I am. I want to expose myself to different cultures and learn different ways of life. I want to figure out who I want to be.
I want to choose myself.
