For as long as there have been brothers, there has been one truth: the oldest brother is always the best. This truth is obvious and evident. I know because I have two baby brothers myself, yet some people refuse to accept it. In order to educate the non-believers, I will proceed to present some evidence.
Oldest brothers are the smartest.
Everyone knows that the older you get, the wiser you get. Being the oldest means you know absolutely everything about everything. At no point is your judgement to be questioned. You know everything there is to know about girls, school, sports and being cool. Essentially, questioning you is like questioning the word of God.
Oldest brothers always win the fights.
Being the crafty bastard I am, I went for the sneak attack. Et tu, Dill?
Being the oldest brother, you get quite the head start on strength training. This training is wholly necessary, because brotherly fights are some of the most savage battles known to mankind. Usually, you're the biggest and therefore strongest. Most importantly however, after years of being king, you have the psychological edge on them. Is it better to be feared or respected? It doesn't matter, because you're going to be the one pile-driving them into the pool anyway.
Oldest brother always gets to be Player 1.
This was always our favorite stage.
It's an unspoken rule that top dog always gets to be Player 1. It is a quick and decisive way to establish dominance when playing video games. Because I always had the God-given right to be Player 1, my little brothers always fought over who got to be Player 2. Pathetic. Also, Player 1 obviously gets to decide the rules of each match. Yes Tyler, we're playing Smash Bros and yes, we're being the red team. I don't care if you think red Kirby looks like shit, red is my favorite color so it's yours now, too. And Dill, if you pick Snake one more goddamn time, I swear to God I'm going to throw you out that window.
In conclusion, as oldest brothers, we have a duty: to be a king and a role model. You'll be the one winning the fights, but you also have to show them how to fend for themselves. As well all know, Hell hath no fury like brothers scorned.
