At some point in our lives, we have all probably come in contact with someone who is "emotionally unavailable." We may have even realized that in certain instances we are the ones who are emotionally unavailable. You might find yourself thinking that you are emotionally unavailable because you are unable to pursue a romantic relationship with someone, but being emotionally unavailable is more than that. An emotionally unavailable person is someone who may feel like they don't need anyone, they're extremely independent, they keep up emotional walls to keep from feeling hurt and being vulnerable, and they do the most to keep themselves from growing attached to anyone. They're afraid to need someone because they don't want to show their vulnerability and when things start to get more serious with the person they are casually dating, they get uncomfortable. They tend to hold people at arm's length and cut people out of their lives without thinking too much about it. Emotional unavailability can appear in all relationships whether it's with a partner, friend, parent, or sibling, but it is usually tied to romantic relationships.

Generally, people think that being emotionally unavailable is an excuse or a cliche for why someone doesn't want to be in a relationship. When someone says that they are emotionally unavailable, the other person automatically assumes that they're not interested in them or they just want sex. However, I'm going to kill that idea. Emotional unavailability is very real and it can be something that people really suffer from. It's something that I have dealt with personally and something that I am currently dealing with. When I first realized that I was emotionally unavailable, I thought that there was really something wrong with me. In a way, I felt that me realizing this had made me lose a part of who I thought I was. Because I associated the term with women that were crazy and mentally unstable, I didn't see myself being placed in that category. I judged the term before I even understood it, but once I knew the definition, the more it made sense to me as I thought about it. I reflected on past relationships and friendships, but I mainly focused on past relationships.

Something that my friends tell me a lot is that I'm disrespectful and/or rude. I would like to emphasize that yes, sometimes I may be disrespectful or rude, but that is not who I am majority of the time. Honestly, it's kind of a part of who I am. It's my personality. I process things differently emotionally and mentally than people generally do, so that is what people associate my reactions with- being disrespectful and rude, as they'd like to say. However, that initially is not my intention at all, I'm just very blunt and outspoken. I process and react to things in ways that I'm comfortable with that other people may see as uncomfortable because of how direct I am. I'm very independent, I feel as though I don't need anyone, I don't like getting attached to another person, I despise talking about my feelings in relationships, it's hard for me to even trust someone enough to get in a relationship, I find it difficult to be vulnerable in front of my significant other because I don't want to be seen as weak, I'm quick to cut people off without really thinking it through, I feel like I have to always have my shit together, and I'm extremely elusive. I find myself thinking that I don't owe anyone my time, even if it's someone I like and value or someone I am trying to pursue a relationship with. I don't quite know or understand how to handle it when I like someone. Nine times out of ten, if I like someone, I won't do anything about it unless they do something first. Playing hard to get doesn't work on me. If the other person isn't putting in effort, I won't either. I won't even try because I feel as though if they wanted to, they would and if they're not putting in the effort, they're not worth it and they don't see my value. This goes for my friendships as well. If someone shows a genuine interest in me, it makes me uncomfortable in the beginning because I don't know how to react to it. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of them wanting to pursue me. Even if the feeling is mutual, I'm not intrigued or excited about it. Most of my friends and family don't know what's going on in my life because I'm not big on sharing news, I keep most things going on in my life private. I realize that some of these traits are unhealthy, but I also realize that I am a work in progress. I'm only 20 and though I know who I am and I am comfortable with who I am, I still have a lot to discover and work on about myself.

I've realized that trying to connect with men my age on a mental or emotional level is one of the reasons why I am emotionally unavailable because let's be real, 9 times out of 10 is it a waste of time in this generation. Don't get me wrong, all men are not airheads but, on the real, how hard is it these days to communicate with someone when you're the type of person who wants to have a real conversation? Y'all just want to text and ask "Wyd?" every five seconds. This generation idolizes a "side hoe" and no strings attached culture along with a culture of talking to someone for a long period of time and having it go absolutely nowhere because one person realizes that they aren't ready for a relationship, so the other person gets their feelings hurt and their time gets wasted. I know I can't be the only one who thinks that is emotionally and mentally draining, especially if it's something that happens to you in most situations. It's okay if you want to date someone without the emotional attachment, it's okay if you want to have casual sex (safe sex please and thank you), and it's okay if you want to be alone without the burden of having to deal with anyone. Having feelings all the time can be physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and there is nothing wrong with that.

I'm not going to tell you that being emotionally unavailable is a bad thing because to me, it's not. I want to emphasize that at certain points in our lives, it is 100% okay to be emotionally unavailable. Honestly, I believe that it's needed. Sometimes we're dealing with a really shitty break up and we're not emotionally stable enough to deal with another person. Sometimes we really need to focus on ourselves, school, and/or work. We need to focus on doing what makes us happy whether it's something as difficult as removing ourselves from toxic situations and becoming a better woman or something as simple as realizing we want to spend more time having fun with our girls and doing us. Even though we can't break up with ourselves, we can change and get rid of the parts we don't like. I would also like to state that I am not a f*cked up person. I'm not crazy. I'm not emotionally unstable. I'm not insecure. I love myself, I am happy with the woman I am and the woman I'm becoming, but who's perfect? We all have issues and things we are dealing with. Even if I was crazy, emotionally unstable, and insecure, there is nothing wrong with that because I would still be me. We all have things we need to change and work on about ourselves. At the end of the day, the people who are in my life know and care about me and they understand what I'm about. They love and accept me for who I am regardless and that's what matters to me the most.