My dad has always talked about how he was proud of being able to go out to a movie, to eat or anything else alone and not feeling uncomfortable. I never really understood that, until one day I basically forced a friend to go across town to the store with me because I didn’t feel like going alone. Really? I couldn’t go to a small store by myself to get a few things? Looking back over the past few months it seemed to get worse. If there was a movie I wanted to see and no one else did, I just didn’t go. If I wanted food and was alone, I went through a drive-thru so I didn’t have to sit alone.
The next day I was basically pining to find something to do because the idea of spending the day alone was terrible, that I couldn’t just sit by myself. But why?
At first I tried to tell myself it was because I was always told to travel in groups due to being a young woman in our society. But the more I said it the more it became unrealistic. Was that really the reason? Or was it that I was terrified to sit alone in public because of what people would think of me?
So I tried something new. I went out alone. I went to a doctor’s appointment and made it a point to go to a few stores and get lunch. At first I was uncomfortable. I walked into the mall, wondering what other people would think of me walking around all alone. I went to reach for my phone. My natural defense mechanism, to act like I had something or someone that was getting my attention. Then I realized something. Was I really so uncomfortable with myself that I couldn’t walk through the mall alone and get a few things?
Had I let it come so far that I could no longer function without the presence of others? I walked into the first store and couldn’t buy a new pair of earrings without picking up my phone to SnapChat a picture to ask someone’s opinion. I stopped; could I really not make decisions alone either? Yeah, it may have been that I wanted a second opinion, but was it really that or was I worried yet again what my friends would think?
I stopped for lunch and sat at the table in Wendy’s. I sat at a table with my food and again seemed to be nervous, what were other people thinking? Throughout that day I had to constantly remind myself to not care about other’s opinion of me, but only of what I thought of myself. What had happened to my confidence that made it so I could not go out alone?
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely.
In my opinion even as an extrovert, sitting alone is always important. To collect your thoughts, to take a deep breath, to rest and also, to learn to love yourself alone. One day in your life, you will be alone. You will be sitting alone. Instead of grabbing your phone right off, I hope that one day I will be confident in being alone enough that I can just relax without feeling lonely or needing another presence.
Until you are comfortable living alone you will never know if you are picking to hang out with someone out of love or out of loneliness.
In the past few days, have you found yourself sitting alone, without your phone and feeling content? Can you do that? When was the last time you let yourself sit alone or gone on a car ride and sang at the top of your lungs? When was the last time you were alone without being lonely?
