If there's anything I've learned about myself over the past year or so, it's that I am an incredibly impulsive and unpredictable individual. I have never been able to handle stress very well, my way of dealing with it was to just bottle it up and overtime it would eventually just pile up. That, is definitely not a way of dealing with things.
When I eventually imploded, as that is what would happen in due time, I would end up doing some sort of damage to myself. Sometimes it be minor or major damage to my body, but it would always be major damage emotionally. Every time I imploded it wasn't the physical damage that lasted the longest, it was always the damage you couldn't see. When I relapsed it would just propel me further and further away from recovery, making me even more unmotivated than before and causing the depression, the anxiety, and the overwhelming sense of numbness to worsen.
Recommended for you
I never necessarily enjoyed causing the damage or the after effects of it, I enjoyed actually feeling angry at myself. That is what terrifies me. When you're so used to feeling nothing at all you crave any emotion you can get, even if they're negative emotions. Even if I felt sad or lonely it was nice just to feel anything other than nothing.
Any positive emotions that crept up on me felt so unnatural that I would do anything I could to suppress them. I would isolate myself from everyone and wallow in negativity until I was tucked away in the comfort of my own depression and despair. I refused to seek help as I was terrified of leaving my depression behind, it sounds strange but when that's the only thing that's followed you through the past 5 years of your life, you don't know who you are without it.
Now that I am aware of the damage I was doing to myself, I am terrified of falling back into my old pattern. The pattern of desperately needing help but refusing to get it, the pattern of bottling things up only to end up worse than I started. The pattern of thinking you're healing then falling right back into old habits of destroying your soul and body.
I am terrified of imploding again, because I feel as if I'm finally on the right track to recovery. I am terrified of the dark parts of myself sneaking up and drowning me in what-used-to-be's. I am terrified of destroying the parts of me that finally feel happiness and healing. I am terrified of uprooting all the positivity I have placed around myself and planted within me. I am terrified of not becoming who I should have been all along.
I am terrified of myself.
