Disclaimer: Trigger Warnings, talks of suicide. Websites and phone numbers for hotlines are provided at the end of this article.

Recently, Netflix premiered a new series based on a book that many of my friends have picked up, yet I was so unaware of. The book "13 Reasons Why" by Jay Asher was adapted into a new series that has brought me to silence, but also to non stop talking.

After finishing the show within 24 hours, I was completely shocked. I could not stop thinking about it. It was all I every asked for and all that I never wanted to face when I lost someone near and dear to me.

"13 Reasons Why" brought out the ugly in suicide. The aftermath of the silence in the halls and the unknowns that people simply can't say. The real, raw truth. What I have been saying all along, suicide is so not beautiful. Hannah's suicide was graphic. Hannah's suicide made me cry so much. Hannah did not deserve to die and neither did my friend, and that is the true reality of the show.

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of unrealistic things that could never happen in a school, my school to be specific. The photographs on the locker and the talk of suicide weeks after the incident in classrooms, god if we even spoke her name someone would think we were doing the same thing to ourself. Schools cannot allow this to happen. The tape concept is something I wish I could have because hearing her voice would fill my heart with so much joy, but there was nothing. Absolutely nothing left in sight.

During our time of grief, we made her a mural. Even though it was unfinished it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It was her, looking beautiful in a teal dress because of course she is wearing teal. Where it is today? I cannot tell you. I'm pretty sure the school threw it away with every memory that was left of her. You can't talk about suicide after it happens because what if someone else does it too? But you can't erase my friend either, at least not from my mind. She was sitting right next to me at graduation whether they liked it or not because my cap brought her there.

One aspect of "13 Reasons Why" that was just too d*mn good for words was Clay Jensen. That grief is me, four whole years later writing this article. I toss and turn at night, putting pieces together as to why she did this and why it happened to the only real friend I had at that moment. I feel for Clay because he can't look at areas of his school without jumping, just as I can't look at the top corner of the theater where we sat every. single. day. He can't say her name without seeing her, hearing her, feeling her. Everything reminds him of her. I found myself sobbing when he finally broke down in the shower and on the mountain because that is me to this day. The worst part is, I wish I could turn this off like I could with "13 Reasons Why". This is grief. This is mental illness. And this is anything but beautiful.

If you need any help at this moment, just know you are not alone. Here are some resources for you to utilize. Talk to someone. I am always here.

http://13reasonswhy.info/

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255