The statement “my party” is quite ironic. Yes, it is “my party” because I am the host; I organized it, I planned it and it’s at my house or a venue of my choice. But is this party really for me? Am I the one partying? Unless you just ordered pizza and actually had time to sit with your friends for a long period of time, chances are the answer to these questions is, “No.”

The job of a host is quite a stressful one. You have to take care of all the guests, greet them, feed them and make sure they are entertained the entire time. You are hosting this party with the ultimate goal of pleasing each and every guest and making sure there are no — or at least very few — moments where they feel bored or excluded. Of course you can just order pizza and chill; that way, you would be enjoying it, too, instead of running around. But if you want to throw an organized party for a large amount of people, the last thing you’ll want to do is to just order pizza. Being a good host requires a unique set of skills: time-management, organization, effort, hard work, the ability to multitask and, finally, a hospitable and selfless personality.

As a Pakistani-American, I grew up attending dawats — or basically, family dinner parties. This Urdu term is defined as feast. Typically, dawats involve family friends of your community. We dress up in Pakistani clothing, meet other Pakistani-Americans and eat our cultural dishes while listening to people speak in their mother tongues. My mother and her friends organize excellent parties. Whenever my mother invites families over for a dinner party, she starts preparing for them a week or two earlier. She cooks all the food, buys extra supplies, rearranges furniture in the house to make space or food or drink stations and selects a theme. She puts forth tremendous effort not only planning these parties but also during the party. She is on her feet most of the time heating food, refilling the serving plates, putting dishes away or preparing for the tea and dessert.

Without such care, effort and hospitality towards her guests, people would not feel so welcome. In making sure the guests are comfortable, she must be considerate, kind and selfless. In other words, the host has to forget herself. She cannot really sit too long or relax because she must be able to simultaneously manage the flow of the party while also conversing with the guests and greeting them as they come in. Party-hosting in this sense becomes a task where you must be engaged and attentive the whole time, prepared to serve people and clean up unexpected spills, while simultaneously keeping the guests entertained.

Although I see how stressful it can be to host guests, I didn’t realize how difficult it was until I threw my own party in eighth grade. While my mom managed the delicious food table, all I really planned was my guest list and what music I wanted to play. I thought things would naturally flow and people would have fun because, in my head, parties automatically meant fun. So, being a naive and self-centered teenager at the time, I invited all of my friends while not considering whether those friends even knew one another. When everyone I invited came, things ended up feeling very awkward. The entire party, then, ended up consisting of ice-breakers or “getting-to-know-each-other” games. It felt like the type of activities we do on the first day of school. People did not automatically have fun as I thought they would and I felt anxious and uneasy as I was trying to come up with fun ideas. All in all, my party turned out to be the opposite of what I had expected. In fact, if you wanted to know how awkward adolescence can be, all you would have had to do was come to that party.

Thankfully, I learned from this experience, and when my mother planned my high school graduation party, I made sure I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes. The party was in my backyard; we set up a tent, food and drink stations, and centerpieces. (Also made by my mother. Gosh, how does she do it all?!) Family friends and school friends were invited, so I would estimate that there were around 100 guests. While making my guest list, I made sure the person I invited shared another mutual friend with me whom I could invite. During my party, I was delighted to see all my friends and was even more delighted to see that they were actually having fun. They were talking to people they knew, mingling, dancing, etc. There was no awkwardness.

On the flip side, I noticed that I was unable to spend too much time with any single person because I was jumping from one person to another to greet them properly. Although my mother and her friend were doing most of the running around to set up the dessert table and the food, I still felt the stress of a host — just the job of greeting everybody was hectic! At the end, I realized I hadn’t even eaten dinner because of how busy and occupied I was. If that’s how I felt, I cannot even imagine how my mother and those who were helping her felt!

My graduation party is one of the most special memories I have to this today. Yes, I was busy the whole time and didn’t get to eat, but it was an exciting and exhilarating type of busy. Seeing the people you love and care about happy, laughing and enjoying themselves is a rewarding feeling. I realized this party really wasn’t about me at all, even though it was in celebration of my graduation — it was for the people we invited. We were making sure people felt welcome and were having a good time. It was a space for people to relax, have fun, eat and spend time with friends.

With all the effort a host must put into making sure everyone feels happy, she ends up partying the least. Parties are thrown for guests; they are for the people who attend, not for you. Being hospitable means being selfless and being selfless means thinking of others before yourself. You have to feel the perfect mix of exhaustion and happiness at the end of a party. If you do, then you are doing it right!