The second I saw my mom sobbing I knew “I’m sorry” was no longer sufficient. I felt like I was no longer allowed to smile, laugh, or even look my mom in the eyes. The pain I had caused my parents was inexcusable. All of freshmen and sophomore year I had horrible grades, made horrible decisions, lied to my parents and others that cared about me, and I was wasting my athletic talent. All of my friends no longer wanted anything to do with me, and I was hanging around older girls. It wasn’t until I had been in trouble with the police not once, but twice that it hit me; I was screwing up my life. I was standing face to face with my mom, barefoot, with blood running down my legs when I realized something had to change.

When I walked downstairs I started screaming. I tipped over the couch and screamed with anger, “I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!” At first I was angry at the world; I thought everyone was out to get me. Nobody actually cares about me, I thought to myself as I sheltered myself in my bedroom for weeks. I now finally understood what the definition of depression and sadness was. “If you need to talk to someone Kaytlin we will take you somewhere,” my mom said sympathetically. I wanted to say yes so bad. “What? I’m fine” I said trying to sound more assuring than I felt. Not only did the older girls, who I “thought” were my friends no longer want anything to do with me, but suddenly neither did my true friends. I was drowning in my own thoughts. Am I going to have to sit out from sports again? What is everyone going to say about me? I’m not a bad kid, am I? Suddenly everything that I never seemed to care about mattered. I had to earn the trust and respect back from everyone. School was even more mortifying. People stared at me; they stared at the cuts and bruises all over my legs. Sitting in my class waiting for what I already knew was going to happen; I got the call to come down to the office. “Kaytlin you aren’t a bad kid, everyone makes mistakes” they told me. Not only was I out for volleyball, but the next day I had to go talk to a substance abuse counselor. Next, I had to attend a juvenile court meeting. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how embarrassed my parents were. I had never felt like such a failure in my life.

What I thought was going to be the worst thing that had ever happened to me turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I decided to give all the people that had tried to be there for me a chance. I went to a football game with a couple of old friends; it was as if nothing had changed. I hadn’t laughed so hard in such a long time. It was a nice change not ever having to worry if we were going to get caught, or if my “friends” were talking about me behind my back. I found out that the only person dwelling on the past was me. To this day- I wouldn’t take anything back. It led me to exactly where I am and who I am striving to become, and for that I am thankful. I now have the best friends imaginable. Every mistake I’ve ever made, and every person that has ever hurt me has made me a stronger, wiser human. I am, and always will believe that everything happens for a reason. “Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that really isn’t you so you can become who you really were meant to be in the first place.”