Pat Ronald McDonald Sajak was born a polar bear on Oct. 26, 1946. Not much is known of his early childhood except for the fact that both of his parents were Coke® addicts and left Sajak to fend for himself as soon as he was two days old. Sajak soon decided he'd had enough of his deadbeat parents and made the life-changing decision to move to New York City to make a name for himself.

Pat Sajak's parents

Upon arriving at the New York Harbor, or wherever people arrive, Sajak was informed he would need to be a human in order to become an American citizen. “Grr,” swore Sajak, much to the passport stamper’s horror. Luckily, a newly-wed couple, Amelia Earhart and Sammy Davis Jr. were looking to adopt a polar bear who wanted to be a boy. They overheard this exchange with the passport stamper and immediately adopted Sajak. The next day, they taught him how to shave everything but the top of his head and began to teach him basic English.

By middle school, Sajak had managed to get most of his polar bear emotions under control. His friends thought it was strange that he spent his lunch break and recesses in the school’s walk-in freezer, but they didn’t ever think he could possibly be a polar bear. They were sadly mistaken.

In high school, Sajak joined the track and field team where he did remarkably well. When asked about Sajak, his track coach, Leonard Nimoy, said, “it was quite interesting how Sajak ran. He would start on all fours at the start line, but as soon as the gun went off, he would stay on all fours and scuttle towards the finish line roaring.” Films from these track meets show Sajak brutally swiping the other runners off of the track, breaking their backs, and opening their necks with one fluid movement. One surviving competitor said, “Sajak is like an animal mixed with a jalapeño pepper. Very dangerous.” That surviving competitor died shortly after due to loss of brains.

Sajak didn’t go to college. Why do you care so much about his life? The only important thing is that he’s a polar bear that hosted “Wheel of Fortune.”

Many “Pat Sajak is actually a polar bear” deniers bring up the fact that Sajak tweeted, “I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends. Good night.” They say he could not possibly be a polar bear if he hates ice so much. Interestingly, just the day before Sajak tweeted this, Lindsey Lohan almost fell off her yacht for the second time. Coincidence? I think not.

You may have already guessed the terrifying truth behind Sajak. Some of you have seen the posters going up around college campuses that attempt to brainwash students into believing that Sajak is a normal human. They read like a biography, but omit all facts related to his being a polar bear. He is among us and hopes to become one of us. I fear that it may already be too late, for Sajak has found the magic word that turns humans into polar bears and he is not afraid to use it. My RA has already started asking strangers he meets on the street if he can buy a vowel and other students at Union run around, whispering something about categories as they laugh maniacally.

Sajak intends to turn us all into polar bears and may well have already cursed you. If you feel the desire to spin large objects, or notice an extra layer of hair growing on you, please seek medical help immediately. If nothing is done about this, Sajak will raise an army of human/polar bear hybrids and take over the world. Fear Sajak, future overlord of humanity.