I have spent my whole life searching for this feeling,
A feeling of belonging, of purpose, of pure contentment.
I have never felt these emotions towards anything else...which is scary to realize how impactful this passion has been on myself and my direction in life.
Music is my home.
It creates an atmosphere where I can express when life is amazing, but also when it gets hard.
The stage is where I feel alive and so full of positivity and happiness that it feels like I could burst.
I used to think that to eternally feel this way I would have to "make it big" in these industries.
It would be only then that I should be allowed to feel proud of myself for what I have accomplished.
But what I would be accomplishing would not have felt truly real or satisfying,
Because it was incongruous with my original motivations for and affections towards these interests of mine.
I got caught up in the idea of being in the spotlight and proving that I could be "somebody" to people who I felt didn't know that I was capable.
I lost sight of what music and theater in their purest form had always made me feel like, of what they had so graciously given me.
The idea of fame had selfishly concealed this gift and had made me confused and lost.
Who is Noa without music? Without theater?
But what do these passions really mean if I can't love them for what they are?
What does it mean if I feel that I can love them only by manipulating their good intentions and interpreting their powerful purpose into a false and destructive one?
It took a lot of self reflection to realize my subconscious change in mindset,
But I'm so very grateful for this "aha!" moment.
It saved me from ruining and disrespecting the two things that give me unexplainably amazing feelings of confidence, worthiness, and love.
And now?
I feel such a great appreciation and thankfulness to get to engage in these passions just simply in my daily life.
It finally feels real.
It also feels more special, because I'm actually doing it for me and my love for these hobbies, as well as for those around me who I'm forever grateful for, and who make me so happy and feel so loved.
I do still dream of pursuing music and theater on a bigger platform...but not at all for the same reasons as before.
The opportunity to connect with and reach people with what I'm doing is what drives and inspires me.
And I'll take every chance I can to do just that.
-N
“Music is the strongest form of magic.” -Marilyn Manson
"A theatre is not a blank page for editorial, it is not a soapbox or a Tannoy system: it is a conscience that wakes with what is happening in the space, and wakes further still in response to what people are making of it." - Andrew O'Hagan
