The concept of an identity is something mystifying to all of us- as individuals with multifaceted personalities, there is an inordinate amount of ways that we could label ourselves. We even tend to label other people without their knowledge by referring to them as merely their physical traits, athletic prowess, or dispositions in casual conversation. My freshman year of college was primarily what influenced me to delve into discovering my own identity; after seeing the talented and distinctive individuals that surrounded me, I found myself constantly wondering what made me unique and if I was even a unique person at all. While this question certainly prompted some soul-searching on my part, I also found it negatively affecting my mental state and even subsequently affecting my life, making it a difficult but rewarding endeavor.
Throughout my childhood, identifying myself was never truly a struggle. I was often referred to as “the quiet one”, “the reader”, or “the runner”, due to the fact that those were integral parts of my personality. As I became older, I adopted more traits and learned more about myself as a person as everyone does, but I am currently having trouble distinguishing myself from others. I have mentioned in previous articles that I tend to be hard on myself as a result of anxiety and depression. It is definitely difficult for me to praise myself, but one of the attributes that I am the most proud of and that I think is unique about me is my empathy. I believe that empathy is an essential part of who I am as a person, but I also ironically find it hard to believe that I am kind “enough”. While I am aware that this could sound like a ploy to receive compliments, that is not my intention. I hold myself up to abstract standards because I always desire to be kind, smart, funny, or talented “enough”, but since there is no quantifiable way for me to measure that, I often feel disappointed in myself. Even if I was possibly identified by any positive traits that I may have, I occasionally downplay them, so I am not sure how accurately they define me.
When I cannot accurately define myself, I find myself querying how other people would identify me. While I ultimately know that I should not and cannot base my worth on other people, I still secretly wish I could find a way to know what other people think of me. I mainly desire to know what my close friends or acquaintances think of me from the viewpoint of an outside source, which would also allow me to identify myself in terms of how I partake in relationships. To accomplish this feat, I could succumb to the appeal of anonymous honesty apps such as “ask.fm” and “Sarahah”, but I worry about cyberbullying and if the risks outweigh the rewards. I also worry about any submissions confirming my worst fears about me, and that if any of my friends did submit statements about me, that they would be biased and not tell me the truth. All of this also makes it difficult for me to determine my identity from any external sources.
The importance of having an identity has been weighing on me throughout the past year because I want to believe that there is something that separates me from the rest of the crowd. However, instead of constantly obsessing over the fact that I do not know what defines me, I can further develop myself by doing activities that target my strengths. While part of my anxiety is influenced by the opinions of people around me, I have to remind myself that if their opinions are negative, it does not matter in the long term and I should only focus on improving myself. I want to continue working on being the best possible person that I can be under my current circumstances, and I hope that I can become comfortable with myself and grow to love myself and the identity that I possess.
