In light of some of the recent events involving Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, I felt it fitting not to share my opinions but rather my heart. I think it is better to stay out and avoid talking too much about my opinions, because I don’t feel I ever have the information necessary too. For one, I am white, and I can’t understand what it is like to be a person of color in this country. Secondly, all too often we see pictures or videos with some words shared on Facebook and automatically take it as fact. I try to avoid formulating too strong of opinions, because I will never know what took place in these situations. I don’t know what the police officer was thinking or what caused him to make that split second decision. I don’t know if it is justified or not. My overarching opinion on the police shootings is that not all cops are bad, not all black people are criminals, and not all white people are racist.

My mom lived in Texas for a period of time post civil rights, and she has shed light on some of the racial tension she experienced and witnessed throughout her schooling. She also lived in North Carolina while attending college and was in a relationship with a black man at this time. While living there she worked as a waitress at a local restaurant. Some frequent white customers refused to be served by my mom because of her relationship with a black man. As my mom recalls being the rebellious woman she was, she walked right over to them as they would enter the restaurant and immediately pour their coffee. Touché mom.

Growing up in a suburb of the Twin Cities in Minnesota, I went to a school that was predominantly white. While our school didn’t have a ton of minority students, one of my best friends in middle school was black. We’ve made a ton of progress in this country since the civil rights movement was successful in desegregating our country and pushing further towards equality. Thanks to these efforts by courageous men and women, millennials have experienced a less hostile environment than our parent’s generation, and I was able to have a great best friend because of this. I am in no way saying we have made it and achieved equality, but we have no doubt come a long way.

Growing up as a white male in America has conditioned me to act and respond in certain ways. I’ve grown up learning about the history of our country—including the slavery that in many ways created this country. No one can make it through our education system without hearing about the ugliness that was associated with the foundation of this country, from driving out Native Americans to using slavery to grow this country into the power it now is. Unfortunately, the people in charge of driving out Native Americans and enslaving black people share the same skin color as me. This has led me to do everything in my power to disassociate myself from the racism that occurred by the white founders of our country.

Skin color meant nothing to me until I was older. Friends were friends, and I was a little kid running around living a carefree little life. Once I got older and began to learn the history of the country I lived in, I started feeling guilty. I felt guilty for being white, guilty that people of my skin color had committed such atrocities. I felt in many ways associated with them simply because I was white. This began conditioning me to do everything in my power to separate myself from racism. So much so that I would treat black people even better than I would treat white people because I didn’t want them to think that I was racist. This was never an issue with friends of color, because they knew me and knew I was in no way racist. However with black strangers, I felt that I always needed to prove I wasn’t racist. I would refer to my black friends as “African American” when talking to other people about them. Now I hate that term. Why do we call black people African Americans? My black friends never talk to other people about me saying “European American” so why do I use African American? If a person of black skin color prefers African American then by all means be respectful and use it, but the reality is just because someone is black does not mean their roots are in Africa anyway! Race is skin color ethnicity is what makes you European American, African American, Asian American etc.

American history has conditioned me to treat people of black skin color differently than I do white people. While it has conditioned me to treat them with the utmost respect, it’s unhealthy and unnatural. It is out of fear of being assumed a racist and not just because I try to genuinely love and respect all people. I am cognizant of every single thing I do while around black people causing plenty of awkward situations. One time I held the door open for a black female who was way too far away. I could’ve gone and gotten my groceries and came back and she still wouldn’t have been to the door yet. If that had been a white female I would’ve walked right on through because I’m not afraid she would think me to be racist.

This conditioning filters into other areas of my life as well. There have been times when walking home at late hours of the night, and I will purposefully take a detour because there is a girl walking home in front of me, and my path happens to be the same as hers for more than a block, I don’t want her to feel afraid. I would never lay my hands on a woman or do anything that would make her fearful however that’s the world I’ve been brought up in. Women should never walk home alone because men are rapists. I want to be extremely clear and state that I would never seek pity or want an excuse to be a victim of detour walks home at night. I also would never encourage a woman to walk home alone in the dark. In fact I try to make sure when hanging out with females they always have a safe way home. I would never want my sister/daughter to be alone walking, especially at late hours of the night. I just hate that it changes the way I act or think just as it is for me with people of color. I am neither a racist nor a rapist yet I feel the need to undeniable prove it.

I bring this all up because I think it’s important to learn from history and be open to call it what it is. Slavery is a brutal part of our history, but not talking about it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I went on a walking tour in Charleston, South Carolina and the tour guide expressed the importance of talking about our history and calling it what it is. South Carolina is monumental in terms of our nation and slavery. Having intellectual conversations about our history only helps further us as a nation. That is why it is important to be open to everyone’s ideas and opinions. That is how we grow as a country and society. We all have something to learn from each other and we can all do better on both sides of these issues.

Equality is treating everyone equal. My goal is to hold the door open for blacks and whites alike. Not because I’m afraid of being labeled a racist, but because it’s the love I have for people. That way I don’t have a black female tipping me while she walks through the store because she thinks I work there.