A few thoughts about anxiety :
1. holes wear in the carpets of my cranium. it's impossible to pace myself because I just can't stop pacing.
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2. if my thoughts were feet, their names would be Usain and Bolt, i could have rolled my eyes at Ryan Lochte in person, and i wouldn't have to worry about student loan debt anymore.
3. I learned a long time ago that asking questions was the best way to get an answer you don't want to hear. however, that doesn't stop me from asking him if he's mad at me, asking her why i always feel so alone, asking myself what I'm doing with my life. I've always been a glutton for punishment.
4. Yes, because you are, and nothing of importance
5. I stare at the menu at the restaurant I've been to one thousand and one times. the waiter stares at me impatiently. everyone already knows what they want because, at this point, we know the menu by heart. I ask for another minute, and go down the list again, just in case something changed since last week.
6. You like my new dress? thank you! I bought six because I traded part of my stomach for a credit line, and the idea of taking anything out of my cart causes me deep internal panic that i will regret not purchasing every item i even kind of liked! and besides, they were on saaaaaaaaaaale!
7. Every time a meninist cries about misandry, a feminist gets her wings. every time I let my boyfriend pay for dinner, I worry that I'm a shame to my gender. the voices of the tumblrinas are on my shoulders, shouting over each other, deafening me to my own feelings on the matter, so I just reblog theirs instead.
8. which one of these instagram filters best hides the bags under my eyes? the worry lines? can we emphasize the mascara, hastily thrown on so that it looks like I'm trying? and while we're at it, is there a way to make my hair look like I haven't been laying in bed, having an existential crisis all day? think less sad, sad, and more aesthetic sad.
9. in case you were curious, the answer is faded gingham or black and white.
10. I worry because I don't know, I worry because I do.
11. I worry because I worry too much and I'm sure somebody knows. I worry because I worry too much and nobody cares enough to notice.
12. at any given time, I'm worried about death, spiders, global warming, misogyny, crime, whether my clothes match, family, friends, money, food, aging, war, and so much more - not necessarily in that order, but all at once.
13. at every sign of smoke, my brain yells fire. however, my brain is also the one who took the batteries out of the smoke detector because the television remote was dead.
14. with every step forward, i trip over my own feet. maybe it's time to take a moment and make sure my own shoes are tied for once, instead of worrying about everyone else's laces.
15. there's a saying about rooting where you are planted, and i always scoffed at the concept, because the idea of rooting meant standing still - but maybe there's something to that. i deserve the chance to grow into something more than this, and it's okay if that takes time. it's okay to slow down. it's okay to stop pacing. it's okay to stop worrying about absolutely everything, for once.
16. holes wear in the carpets of my cranium, but I follow the long tread path a little less than I did before. instead, I sit and I allow myself to be happy and unapologetically the person that i am. I enjoy the company of others and try to only ask the questions I actually want answers to. I lose myself every once in a while, but I usually manage to find my way back soon enough. for now, though, I'm sitting, and considering redecorating in here - some new carpeting, perhaps?
