Friends, the day has come when I've run out of material for boyband quizzes. We all knew this would happen the day Zayn left One Direction, but truth be told I never thought I would make it past the first quiz because the concept is only very loosely funny.
Anyways, you have to be the change you want to see in the world and what I wouldn't give to change the current political climate in America. So, like a new Taylor Swift era, I'm entirely rebranding a tried and true product. Naturally, I have decided to pull the options from Donald Trump's inner circle, looking at members both present and indicted. It is essential to me, and I hope you, to uncover which member of Trump's inner circle are you?
1. President Trump just cannot decide what to wear! He comes to you for advice. What do you tell him to put on?
a.) A three-piece suit lined with emerald silk and Louboutins.
b.) A camo vest with a camo and orange MAGA hat, all provided by your sponsor: the NRA. #ad
c.) A custom made suit from my fashion line.
d.) The fur of freshly killed wolf. To stay warm in winter.
e.) Whatever you wear is going to be huge, it's going to be great.
2. You're stuck in a rut at your current job and need a change. Obviously, you think, Trump is a great person to ask for career advice! He was the host of The Apprentice and all so he must know a thing or two. What are you secretly hoping he'll say to you?
a.) He feels the same way you're feeling and your once strictly work relationship has now become something more, something stronger: friendship.
b.) To perpetuate a problematic system in which nothing your critics want to achieve ever gets done because you were never taught the concept of the Golden Rule and/or sharing in general and as a result, you've decided to take your my way or the highway approach to a once well-respected institution because you secretly crave chaos and the concept of entirely torpedoing another person's life because the bullies in school told you you would never be anything but look where we are now!
c.) That you're getting a promotion! All you ever wanted was something of your own, but with marginal life training and a niche market personality, you need to stay with what you already have and learn to make it work. You really don't have another option than this.
d.) To stay in current role forever. You earn it. It is yours to keep now.
e.) Like my good friend, who is so misunderstood, once said: "To stay in current role forever. You earn it. It is yours to keep now." That's so great, so great.
3. Jared Kushner is trying to bring peace to the Middle East as fast as he can, but with Opioid crisis management, criminal justice reform, as well as serving as a liaison to Mexico, China, and the Muslim community, his plate is pretty full. Trump tells you Jared's love language is words of affirmation, what do you say to him to help get him through these trying times?
a.) Your dedication to the president is so admirable, you're just doing so great with that.
b.) If you're opponents tell you you're doing something wrong, turn it back at them and say they are doing something wrong. They'll be so mad they'll forget their efforts to try and stop you.
c.) You're doing great sweetie!
d.) Good boy.
e.) If you can't do this, no one can. I have full faith that not one person can do this and you're our only hope, Obe Kenobi Skywalker. Great film.
4. John Bolton and Mike Pompeo have been itching for too long. These war hawks are hungry and they MUST be fed. It's Trump's duty as Commander in Chief to declare war, but it's your job as his inner circle to figure out which country to declare it on.
a.) You know, I've never thought much of it. But I trust the Donald's opinion on this. Damnit! I mean- he's… a liar. A bad man!
b.) The Deep State.
c.) No comment.
d.) The United States of America.
e.) I've got to say I've never seen a more disrespectful country in the world than Denmark. Who's even in Denmark? What do they have there? They don't even have Greenland there, Greenland! The Danish are so bad! So cruel! It's a shame such delicious food is named after such horrible people. Sad.
5. Since 2016, the liberal media has been so fake and so mean to President Trump. The only mainstream news outlet that really tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is Fox News. Which of the following is your favorite Fox show?
a.) Hannity
b.) I actually prefer NRA TV to Fox. So I guess Tucker Carlson Tonight.
c.) The Ingraham Angle.
d.) I do not watch the TV.
e.) So hard to say, too hard! So many friends! Fox and MY Friends.
If you got mostly A’s, you’re Michael Cohen
Former Trump personal attorney Cohen is sworn in to testify before House Oversight hearing on Capitol Hill in WashingtonYou're loyal to a fault but, like any good snake, you'll flip for the right price. Respect, my guy (what a fucking loser, amiright?).
If you got mostly B’s, you’re Mitch McConnell
See you in your nightmares, turtle boy.
If you got mostly C’s, you’re Ivanka Trump
You could have continued to live your lavish life in Manhattan, celebrating the Sabbath at home with your husband and three kids, enjoying the sunset over Central Park, hanging out with a cohort of other children of rich parents. But you chose this life, this life of lying, inserting yourself into geopolitical discussions that you are not qualified to be a part of, and maintaining that cold dead look in your eyes. How noble.
If you got mostly D’s, you’re Vladimir Putin
Russia's President Putin visits Kaliningrad StadiumWho says good things don't happen to short guys? Tiny Meat Gang's "Short Kings Anthem" was for sure written about and for Vlady. And I think that's beautiful.
If you got mostly E’s, you’re Donald Trump’s Reflection in Any White House Mirror
Did you.... not see this coming? Like Donald Trump approaching a mirror in the White House and being shocked like a dog finding its reflection?
