So this summer, there was this boy. I thought he was cute. So I started to flirt with him, one of my favorite pastimes. I was doing a pretty great job if I do say so myself. And for the purposes of this story, I can confirm that he was interested in me too. He was responding well and things were progressing on my schedule.

Then one day, I got really frustrated because the ball was in his court and I was getting nothing in return. I was so confused because there was literally nothing else for me to do at this point, flirtation and interaction-wise. I had looked suggestively into his eyes in all the ways I knew how. I had flipped my hair and arched my back and bent over to pick things up in front of him after “accidentally” dropping them as many times as possible. I had lingered for many extra seconds as I slowly sauntered away just waiting for him to ask me the burning question that would move things forward. We’d had several conversations, casual and deep. And nothing. It was his turn to make his move and he wasn’t doing anything. So what was up?

As any girl would do, I called one of my best friends for advice. “It’s his turn!” I said. “There is nothing else I can do, the ball is so clearly in his court. It’s his turn to make a move! Why won’t he go?” My friend responded, “What are you talking about? Oh, I get it.” She laughs. “Helena, you’re up North now. There are no turns. There is no back and forth. You just have to go for it.”

“Oh...” I said as I slowly realized how it all made sense now. But not.

Allow me to clarify: as a Southern girl who has moved up to New York City for the summer, I had the flirting/dating game all wrong. I realized this in the seconds it took me to jaywalk across Broadway while calling this friend, who is from Chicago, but goes to school with me in North Carolina. I realized then that all of the rules and norms about flirting, dating and even just talking to romantic interests I thought were universal aren’t at all the same up here compared to in the South. I had given ‘universal love’ too much benefit of the doubt.

But seriously, no taking turns flirting? No systematic “you go, I go?" No beautiful patterns of courtship that tell you what to do next or where you stand? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree you should do whatever you feel like and not care about what people think of you, and go against society’s norms, but I find things really confusing up here.

So, inspired by my revelations from jumping from one culturally fabricated world to the next, I began a journalism quest to find the answers to my questions about how to deconstruct the mating patterns of Northern young adults. I talked to several of my female and male friends at work, from school, etc, and I was able to understand some more through their feedback. Specifically, these people are Northerners that have spent time living in the South and have talked to or dated Southerners while there, and visa versa.

Now, obviously, there are so many other aspects and factors that influence how a person acts around others. There are always exceptions and stereotypes are not accurate representations of people. However, these are things that after confirming with other intelligent, observant people, we decided are just unavoidable universal truths that are always the same across the board for Northern and Southern gents and ladies.

Also, speaking of stereotypes, this list is not full of things like “Northern guys are more direct and look better in jeans” Or, “Southern guys are more chivalrous and polite." Because, no. Instead, the things we talked about are between the lines, incognito materials. Things you wouldn’t notice or be able to describe unless someone reassured you that you aren’t crazy and it’s not all in your head (Thank God I wasn’t the only one). So consider this a gift from me to you, friend. A brief explanation of universal differences between Southern and Northern courtship, agreed upon by all regional representatives.

1. The “back and forth” or “you go, I go” flirting pattern doesn’t happen up North.

Yes, it’s old-fashioned, and getting rid of it is refreshing. It does allow for more freedom and flexibility in your flirtation, and no one really cares who texts first anyway. But personally, I find this very confusing overall. You can never tell where you stand with someone or when is the right time to make the next move. Extremely invalidating.

2. Everything moves slower in the South.

Not only does public transportation happen faster in the North, but so do relationships. Up here, you can go from 0 to 100 in a week. Things in the South progress at a (sometimes painfully) slower pace. It’s like watching sweet tea steep in a pitcher.

3. Women are initially approached in a group mentality in the North, and more individually the South.

This one is trickier to explain, but something I have definitely noticed/felt myself. The best way someone explained this to me is this: If a guy is going to buy a girl a drink at a bar, in the North, he will initially buy a round of drinks for her and all her friends, even if he is just interested in one girl. It’s not meant to show off or be flashy, but it gives him a kind of safety net; it can make it easier to swerve out of his way if you get put on the spot as a girl and want to turn him down. However, I find this group mindset annoying and confusing sometimes, because you can’t initially tell if the guy is into just you or your friends.

Whereas in the South, a guy in the same situation will most likely ask a girl he is interested in specifically what she is drinking, singling her out from her group of friends, so he initially interacts with her as an individual. It’s more high risk, but can be higher reward. This tactic is all the same for other things like asking for phone numbers or to hang out.

4. Northerners are “All or Nothing;" Southerners generally have a more fluid, flexible relationship outlook.

Northern guys and girls generally start with one goal when they lay eyes on someone: to date or not, to hook up or not, to be exclusive or not, and if they realize can’t get exactly what they want, they will immediately turn around and start looking in another direction with fast turnover.

Instead, Southerners are generally more fluid, more willing to bend or compromise (aka easier to manipulate into a relationship that works for you). You could convince a Southerner to wait until you’re ready to be in a relationship, to see you as more than a friend, or it could take much longer for them to figure out how they feel. Northerners seem like they don’t have time for that. And it’s true that if you’re here in New York City, you kind of don’t.

5. Northern and Southern boys take rejection much differently.

After being turned down, or making it clear that you are not interested in them, Northern boys sort of disappear for a while. They either glare at you coldly from afar or curiously, cautiously watch you from across the room after they’ve been rejected. It takes them a long time to talk to you again.

On the contrary, Southern guys tend to want to initiate the first post-rejection confrontation. It’s kind of like they’re trying to pee on the situation first and mark their territory. They immediately walk up to you to prove to you that they still have their dignity and aren’t afraid, even though you can still see the fear in their eyes.

The Southern tactic is not necessarily manlier, in fact, it can often be a little too brash and overbearing. They are both equally as awkward.

6. And lastly, the eye contact thing.

This is something I thought I was going crazy about until people told me they notice it too, so it’s totally a thing. And this is the one thing that, sorry, I think Southern boys just win at. If you are talking to a Southern guy, and he realizes within that first initial conversation that he is not into you, he will usually still maintain the conversation, keeping it going for at least a few more minutes. Even if you won’t ever see each other again and you both have mutually decided nothing is going to happen between you, you will still continue to have a nice conversation, talk about your lives, get to know each other, whatever. If he’s smart, he might even wingman one of his friends over for you.

But the thing with a Northern guy is, once he decides he’s not into you, he will get all… shifty. And stop looking at you in the eye. And start looking around the room and killing off the conversation. It’s like you can see a fire slowly dying away in his eyes. Even if the guy is still a nice person, this almost always happens. And honestly, I think it’s very rude and childish. Because the thing is, I have already decided 30 seconds ago that I am not into you either, but I am still having a nice conversation with you, because I don't see why not. Maybe it’s part of the whole “all or nothing” thing with Northerners, or because Southerners just like long, lingering conversations, and to casually take their time.

With this newfound insider information, you can see that while neither group is better than the other, the different styles’ overall pros and cons are merely based on one’s own personal dating style and personality.

So, ask yourself, what works best for you? Would you be more successful meeting people and dating in the North, or in the South? Do you like long, lingering conversations and to take your time deciding if you like someone, or are you always on a specific mission where people only have five seconds to impress you? Are you flexible and go with the flow or do you have an “all or nothing” mentality? Do you like to be approached/approach someone alone or with a group of friends? Perhaps you are a hybrid of these.

But in the end, it doesn’t really matter, right? We are going to follow our animalistic mating instinct anyway. And what is really important is that you know what works for you and you are placing yourself in situations that will best serve you in life. At least that's what I rely on up here in New York City, where I am trusting my instincts and learning how to thrive every day in a hot and wild concrete jungle.