If you don’t have white skin or look Caucasian, chances are that someone has asked you “Where are you from?” This is an especially common question if you’re in a country where you appear to be a foreigner based on your different skin tone or accent. In my case, I have medium brown skin because I am of Indian ethnicity; however, I have lived in New Jersey since I was a year old. If you ask me where I’m from, I will say New Jersey without hesitation. But some people seem to have a hard time wrapping their heads around this possibility.

Here is how a typical conversation goes:

Other person: By the way, where are you from?
Me: I’m from Jersey!
Other person: Oh haha but you know… where are you really from?
Me: … I have lived in America for 18 out of 19 years of my life so I would say I’m from here.
Other person: haha but you’re Indian right?
Me, trying hard to remain civil: Yeah, I am.

For someone who doesn’t have to go through this round of assumptive questioning on a frequent basis, the sheer rudeness of asking “where are you really from” probably isn’t obvious at first glance. It’s a totally innocent and genuinely curious question, right? No.

Allow me to explain. The question that should have been asked is “what is your ethnicity?” That’s what the other person really wanted to know, but was simply too ignorant to understand the difference between ethnicity and the place a person identifies with.

In addition, the other person thinks that they can assume I’m Indian. Honestly, I have an “American” accent, how do you get off assuming that I’m from India? Maybe I’m Spanish or Malaysian, so don’t jump to conclusions. And once I’ve already told you that I’m from New Jersey, why would you even ask where I’m really from? What does that even mean?

A lady at the mall once was trying to sell me a hair straightener and told me how nice my hair was, followed by “so where are you from?” And when I replied with “I’m from here,” I got the familiar chuckle in reply, followed by a “But where are you really from?” Needless to say, I did not buy the hair straightener from her.

To my fellow victims of this question, as annoying as it is to be asked this, we will probably still have to put up with it. Instead of getting worked up every time at the asker’s ignorance, just retort with “I think what you want to know is my ethnicity, in which case yes, I am Indian.” But why does it even matter what my ethnic background is if I’m telling you the place I identify with? Let's just make small talk without bringing race into it.

I have grown to practice an Indian American culture while growing up in New Jersey, and it’s unfair for someone to think that they can stereotype based on race. This is especially true for second or third generation Indians in the US, whose parents grew up here too. They really embrace the red, white, and blue and probably still get asked this incessant question. So if you’ve ever asked anyone else where they are really from, please don’t do it again. Save yourself the embarrassment and them the petulance.