Hello, loyal readers. It's been a long time. A little under a year, to be exact. The last time you saw me, I was ranting about some pretty stupid shit. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Nolan, why did you leave us all alone. Your fans, the both of us, have been clamoring for more stupid humor about Scientology." Well, friends, there are two versions of that story. Believe whichever one you like more:

Version #1

After a tremendous blowout with my editor about what would be a satirically appropriate amount of cleavage to put in an article (I wanted all of it. My editor wanted none.). I left The Odyssey in a fashion not unlike the great Michael O'Donoghue leaving National Lampoon. Tables were flipped in our writer's office. Butts were photocopied. All that good stuff.

Unlike Michael O'Donoghue, though, I did not go on to become a founding member of Saturday Night Live. The only difference in my life was that I wrote my dick jokes down in a notebook instead of sharing them with all of you. And oh boy, did you guys miss some good ones that are no longer topical. I have a full five pages written out directly after the Anthony Scaramucci/ Steve Bannon situation.

So now I'm back, swallowing my pride, because I have nowhere else to go.

Version #2

I was severely unhappy with myself. I had been for a long time. I left after the cleavage debate because it was a lot easier to chalk my leaving up to artistic differences instead of facing my own dissatisfaction with life. It wasn't even a debate, really. I had been allowed exactly the amount of cleavage that I wanted for the article. I just didn't think I had because of a glitch on the mobile site that re-cropped the picture I'd chosen. When I left , there was no big blowout. We don't even have a writer's office that I could have stormed out of. We message each other. My departure from The Odyssey was purely due to my own personal shit.

Now, I'm back because I want to get better and I feel like this is the way to do it. At least, it's got to be part of the answer. And don't worry, even though this article took a turn for the more serious here at the end, I promise that I will still be delivering the laughs (or...whatever makes me laugh. Often, the audience and personal appeal does not coincide as much as I would like.) on a weekly basis. I'll keep things fresh and I'll keep things weird, my two favorite things for an article to be.

P.S. The Steve Bannon dick joke thing is real. Somewhere in my bedroom back home, there is a notebook containing a crudely drawn picture of Steve Bannon doing the "Snake eating its own tail" thing...but, y'know, with his dick.