I remember a day when going to work was exciting, new friends were easy to find, and life was energetic. When every boy was serious boyfriend material, and the boys who did end up being the long-term crush fiascos of my youth could do no wrong in my eyes. I remember when the Jonas Brothers were my top priority, and staying up late talking on the phone was scandalous and exciting, and not at all sleep depriving.
There are a lot of things I would not change about growing up, like learning to shut my mouth when people criticize Joe Jonas’ fashion choices (not that that is even an issue anymore) or knowing when to guard my heart more when it comes to new relationships. But I think there is a little sadness in everyone at the loss of that childish wonder and innocence that goes away when you grow up.
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I miss when I could call my friends for hours and talk about literally nothing, while simultaneously discussing everything important, and still find things to chat about the next day at lunch. Now, it exhausts me to go to lunch for an hour with a friend and find things to talk about. Something I really miss is my ability to trust people, which has come and gone with broken hearts and break ups, and boys that break their promises. The fact that sometimes it’s easier to just not form new friendships and bonds because of the possibility that one day they will leave and I will be lonely again is a sad reality, and one I wish I didn’t have. The amount of trust that comes with the innocence of your heart is something I will always cherish, and forever miss. Maybe one day I will get it back, and I dearly hope so. I’m not bitter, but I do see strains of skepticism in me, and those are stains I can’t seem to get out, no matter how unbecoming I think they look. I am always trying though, and I have faith that the Lord restores what has been damaged. I think He includes trust and innocence of heart in that, in fact, I’m sure of it. It is my responsibility to be open enough to let Him take that from me, and I think it will take time, and conscious effort on my part. But I hope that it happens, because whoever I am blessed enough to spend the rest of my life with doesn’t deserve a bunch of hurt for reasons they will have nothing to do with.
I wonder if this feeling of restlessness and nostalgia for who you once were is common. If anything, I know the very adult-ish feeling of being tired all the time is something we wish would reverse. Do you remember when birthday parties were the most exciting thing of the entire month? I won’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to drag myself out the door to go to an event that I loathe the thought of, simply because it will exhaust me even more than I already am. I think it is more common than people might think. Jessie Mueller perfectly sums up my feelings in the musical "Waitress". The emotion in this song is breathtaking, contagious, and I cry every freaking time I listen to it.
“It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl.”
There is so much sadness in this song, but I know there is, to quote Tyler Joseph, a hopeful undertone in growing up. We can be kind, and unbiased, and open to possibilities. We can be excited for life again and easy to love.
