It's okay to break. It's okay to fall under all the weight you've been carrying for far too long. It's okay because you were never supposed to go through this alone. You were never supposed to carry this much weight on your shoulders.
And when you say you're fine for the hundredth time, because you feel like no one understands, you're right. They don't. They don't understand your pain, your aching. But that's fine. They don't need to.
You already know how hard it is and how deep the heartache can plant its roots in your body. That is your journey to conquer and no one else can take that pain away from you. And that's the best part.
You're so used to hurting that it's become a familiar face you wake up to in the morning. It's the expectation you have when getting ready for bed, no longer hoping for a full night of rest. You no longer worry about people seeing you upset at work because you've figured out where to go to break down without being found.
You don't bother wearing mascara that isn't waterproof, you don't even consider social gatherings when it's all you can do to keep yourself together in front of the people you spend 40 hours a week with.
But what you don't know, is how much stronger you're becoming. No one will ease this agony you've been carrying. The world won't notice you've steadily been falling behind. But there will come a point, one afternoon where the darkness that fills your heart has you on the floor.
When you get up to splash water in your swollen eyes and catch your defeated reflection in the mirror, you will finally decide "enough." In that moment, the darkness inside you will no longer be welcome.
Hurt has a way of controlling us. It drags us under its waves of depression and fills our lungs with lack of hope. No matter how hard we fight, it never tires. It just keeps pulling us down, hoping we eventually surrender.
But you don't. You learn to swim. You get angry and you get motivated. You stand in front of the mirror, looking at your broken reflection and you say "f*ck you" to the control depression has had over you. And from that moment on, you have the mindset that nothing will defeat you.
Pain comes in many forms for many reasons. And if it's intense enough, it never quite goes away. But you learn to manage it. You learn to enjoy what makes you feel strong, what brings you joy and what empowers you. Maybe it starts with exercise. Or a forgotten passion.
Maybe it's in making small steps towards leaving your spouse and supporting yourself. Maybe it's about leaving and starting over somewhere new. Maybe it's as simple as accepting that the person you lost left too soon, and all you can do is honor their memory by living.
Conquering that breaking point feels impossible almost the entire time you're struggling. But every small change, every time you push yourself, adds up to the most incredible sense of relief. The overwhelming rush of having the strength to endure and defeat something so ugly and debilitating.
The confidence in yourself that even though you got drug under, you don't surrender. You swim your way back to the top because you finally realize you're stronger than you've given yourself credit for, and you're done being tossed around by the waves.
