Any time you see someone else at a party drinking red wine, you must befriend them immediately.

They're one of the good ones.

You don't have to buy that trendy color of purple lipstick because you can just drink two glasses of red and you're golden.

That trendy color of purple lipstick is actually perfect for camouflaging wine lips in the first place though. So you own three tubes.

At every Christmas party, your Secret Santa gives you a bottle of dry red. No one thinks it's not thoughtful, and you usually cry* with gratitude.

*and ruin the party

Every time you see a bottle of Moscato or Riesling you leave the room because the smell is enough to make you destroy anything that even remotely resembles Cool Moms and/or Miss Me jeans.

In other words, you consider white wine drinkers as the devil incarnate. Like, did they give out Chardonnay at the Last Supper? I don't freaking think so.

A significant portion of your clothes are wine-colored (figuring out whether the fabric is actually dyed a wine-red or it's just stained from that time* you spilled on yourself is half the fun).

*multiple times

You tend to think of yourself as a cultured, sensual, well-rounded, class-act of a person.

And when you say, "I only drink red", you feel like you just turned on a button that made everyone within a five mile radius fall madly in love with you.

In reality, your friends tend to think of you as a "kind of a doucher".

Who cares, you know who you really are.

Instead of "Man Crush Monday", you prefer "Malbec Cabernet Merlot".

Because that's what #MCM actually means.

If you were raised Catholic you still daydream about breaking into the cathedral at night and stealing all the communion wine.

Wait, that's messed up. Stop. Why did I write that.

Two words that make you drop everything and GO: Bota Box.

Followed by the sweet sound of someone finally succeeding at pulling the spout thingy through the hole in the cardboard.

You have to move on when it starts tasting like juice. But you usually don't.

You live for that sting. (Is this something alcoholics say? I'm getting more worried the deeper I go into this article.)

You have a slightly spiritual experience every time you have that first sip.

Okay, who do I need to call. I'm scaring myself.

Your Christmas list was comprised of a to-go cup specifically for wine, a titanium bottle opener, and a couple of those shirts that either say "Go Wine About It" or "It's Wine O'Clock Somewhere".

And you didn't get any of them because your family is now concerned. And those shirts are terrible.

Some won't understand, but you just love red wine. And you will find those who are right there with you.

There's so many antioxidants. And it just goes with everything. And stays on everything. Like your heart. And your couch cover. And your ceiling. I still really need to get that cleaned.