Disclaimer: I am pretty happy, but sometimes this gets the better of me.

Imagine you are at the beach, and you’re playing at the in ocean. The sun is shining, people are laughing and having a good time. All of a sudden, a big wave forms and crashed on only you, and you’re taken under, wondering when you are going to come up again. That’s what it is like to have a low self-esteem. This wave hits when you least expect it. It’ll hit you at a concert, in class or even when you’re just hanging out. I have noticed that it hits me whenever I start to feel confident. It whispers to me “you’re not good enough,” and I just shut down completely.

Unfortunately, this dark cloud that’s called low self-esteem frequently looms over my head, and it has for a long time. At the time of me writing this, I am 19 years old. I’ve had self-esteem issues since I was about 12. I would like to make one thing perfectly clear before I go further: I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m merely just putting my experience with this demon out there.

It all started with three boys: two of them told me I would never get a boyfriend, and one relentlessly aggravated me. This boy, in particular, would repeatedly call me ugly, would say I wasn’t good enough to live. He would call me other names and would just make fun of me for every little thing I did. He was relentless, but I pretended that it didn’t bother me. Looking back, I probably should have told someone, but I thought that would make more problems.

Ever since then, I’ve been constantly comparing myself to others, constantly picking at myself and constantly putting myself down. I absolutely hate it, but I honestly can’t help myself. It’s an awful habit that I frequently try to get rid of, but I have not been successful yet, and that’s okay.

Having a low self-esteem is really awful. It affects everything you do. From how you present yourself, to how you walk, to how you talk to people. I’m constantly standing with my arms crossed to hide my body, I can’t look many people in the eye and now I’m a rather shy individual, but that’s okay. Why? Because I know it’s going to get better. As cliché as that may be, I am taking steps to become a better me. I finally gained the courage to do so, and no matter what, I will not let the courage leave.

Your self-esteem will not define who you are, not forever at least. If you are someone like me who is reading this, please know that you are not alone. There are millions of people just like us, and truth be told, even the most confident people have their off days. These feelings are what make us human. We will all beat this, one day at a time.