Odyssey serves as a platform that I have absolutely utilized to say the things I really shouldn’t be saying in a Facebook post. It’s what I did for the Orlando shootings, for HB2, Brock Turner…I’ve lost count. Odyssey is a site made for making sure millennial voices are heard, and while I’m sure many of them are turning to the site to let out their thoughts, frustrations (like me), and maybe celebrations (unlike me), I seriously doubt any of them who were against Trump getting into office have the words that will calm our worries. I know I don’t.

So, no, I don’t have the answer to the question I’ve posed in my headline. I don’t have the answer when I ask why my aunt who helped raise her autistic grandson would vote for a man who wouldn’t hesitate to publicly humiliate him on news clips that were spread internationally. I don’t have the answer when a peer who voted for Trump bends down to hug the black and Latino children we tutor, the students who adore her and who she works so well with. I don’t have the answer when my uncles would be furious to find out I’m a survivor of assault and in the same breath say that Roe v. Wade is an abomination. I don’t have the words when I think my aunt is angry with me and I want to call her and make amends but I am so tired of defending myself to deaf ears.

I am so tired of talking about the social ramifications of actions and politicians and policies that they can shut off. I don’t understand how anyone can factor out the social ramifications of Trump and Pence’s election. I know that privilege and a lack of empathy is the reason, but I just can’t understand it.

On the one hand, I love my family. And I know they love me. I spent the summer at a family reunion after six years of not seeing most of them, and we had a blast.

The other hand is trembling with the memories of possessive men grabbing hold of it. By voting for Trump, you are okay with a confirmed rapist and accused child rapist leading our country.

My hand is shaking with fear of the unknown, with the fear that Pence is going to undo all the LGBT progress made this year. When he promotes the legal camps that kidnap children to work the gay, autism, disability, any other attribute that is “undesirable,” will you cry for them? Will you remember your own hand, along with the thousands of other hands, tightening the noose?

People have asked me if I think they’re bad people, that they’re evil, for not voting for Clinton, or for voting for Trump. I didn’t know how I wanted to respond at first, but I think I do now. The people who had a hand in allowing Trump’s election are enablers. Maybe they do care about the marginalized groups that will be targeted this election, but they sure as hell had a hand in putting us under the radar and threat now, and that cannot be ignored or looked aside.

I don’t want to have to grapple with the fact that my family supported these deplorable men. I also don’t want and am not going to turn my back on my family because they chose men who would gleefully ruin my opportunities to succeed and thrive in life. When my family had the scare that we might lose a loved one weeks ago, I was so grateful for every member of my family that was making sure everyone was okay, and for being there for my mom. My extended family’s distance hurts so much sometimes, and in moments like what happened weeks ago it was unbearable. When I visited them over the summer, I was so happy to reconnect with them. At the same time, I was a bit nervous that I would be ostracized for my beliefs- not just politically speaking- and I wasn’t. Not one bit.

I’m not writing about this to tell you to accept your family if they voted against your beliefs. I am still trying to process my thoughts, and I am also trying to find out how to live in a world where I am going to have to interact with the Trump and Pence supporters in life. I am also trying to stop living in a binary of purely evil and purely good, because this election cannot fit into the binary without ignoring the very true reality that the presidential race failed nearly everyone who voted.

What you should be doing right now, while these conflicting thoughts and utter exhaustion is swarming your mind and body, is taking care of yourself. Surround yourself with the family you forged through your friendships, with the people who understand where you’re coming from, the other people who are scared, confused, and searching for answers. Take some time to do things that calm you down. You are allowed to avoid Facebook, the internet altogether, and do activities that will help you relax.