The happiest day for any kid in their life is the day they get a dog. They may not realize it right away, but there is a whole new world out there that will teach them the values of love, guidance and obedience. I was ten years old on the day I got a puppy. My parents had a dog that had passed a few years previous, and although he was a great dog, he was my parents’ through and through.

My little puppy was 8 weeks old when she arrived to us one snowy, January evening. She was a Christmas present from my parents, to me and my siblings. We were all so excited to have her that when she got to our house, we overwhelmed her with our excitement. Soon after getting our little Nala, our world was flipped! We had to train this puppy not to cry at night, to go in her kennel when we said so, and to go to the bathroom in the yard. We had to command her not to bite, not to steal our food off of our plates if we weren’t eating at the table, and not to bark when the doorbell rang. We had to calm her down in the car on the way up to the cabin, and keep her on a leash that she would aggressively pull at. We had remind her that every time we left the house that we would be right back, and that of course we loved her.

We thought we had our work cut out for us! At ten years old, how was I supposed to make sure that this dog got fed on time, was let out regularly, and was given baths and grooming when she was dirty. My little Shih Tzu was not high maintenance at all, but for some reason I could not wrap my head around the fact that all of these tasks needed to happen all day, all week, all month and all year, just to keep this little one living.

Fast forward to age 18, the end of my senior year in high school. My dog was 8 years old at this point and so much a part of our family that I was more worried about not having her at college with me instead of my parents. Who was going to love her late at nights when everyone was asleep? Who was going to let her sleep on her own pillow, under the covers, on her own side of the bed? Who was going to teach her modified puppy sports, or hand feed her dinner under the table? Who was going to make extra pancakes that were her size, and share a full loaf of baguette, after getting home late from working at Panera? Who was she going to take selfies with, and give kisses to when I was no longer around? The truth is, I needed her more than she needed me. After all, I was the one who was leaving for school.

I was lucky enough to choose a school that was only a half an hour away from my puppy. On some weekends, when I wasn’t overloaded with sports or homework, I would go home just to see her. If you’ve ever had a friend that you can go awhile without talking to or seeing, but when you do meet up it’s like no time has passed at all, just imagine that. We would still snuggle at night and I would still feed her baguettes.

During my second year of college, my parents had noticed a lump on her stomach that was growing at a rapid rate. In December, over winter break, they had it removed. I was so heartbroken when my Nala came home from surgery and was so drowsy that all she wanted to do was lay on the living room floor under a blanket. By the morning after her surgery she was back to her normal self. I held back on sharing my food with her, which definitely upset her, but was still able to curl up and watch Netflix until the early hours of the morning. By the end of that school year, Nala had full blown lung cancer and was very sick. My sister had just graduated high school, and I had just moved back home when Nala started getting sicker and sicker. June 4th, 2015 came and I thought for sure this was the last night with my puppy. Her breathing was ragged, she was exhausted. She hadn’t eaten and really didn’t want anything but to be held. But she made it. We had three great weeks of medication, long walks, and extra baguettes after that night and on June 25th, 2015 had to put Nala to sleep.

Nobody ever prepares you for the day you put your best friend down. It’s not a happy day like the previous ten years of life we shared. It wasn’t an accomplishment like getting accepted to college, or graduating high school. It wasn’t snuggly, selfie filled or even a day where a smile came from any of us humans. It was the worst day of my life, and the one of the best days of her’s. She was finally able to be pain free, to run around in puppy heaven, and to eat as many pancakes and baguettes as she could.

We went to the pet hospital as a family, and the emotions were too much for my sister so she left for home with my dad. My mom and I went into the little room with Nala and the vet told us what was going to happen. They were going to bring her to a back room, shave her little leg and put in a needle the connected to her vein. Then they were going to bring her back into the room and we were going to able to hold her as long as we wanted and when we said so, they were going to overdose her with a medicine that would allow her to rest easy for eternity. “She won’t feel a thing.” the vet reassured me about a billion times as my tears rushed harder and harder. My mom pet Nala’s body as I held her little head in my hands one last time, and with a turn of my head I nodded to the vet.

I wonder what Nala was thinking when she passed. I wonder if she was confused as to why I couldn’t see her through my tears, and why I kept telling her I loved her, forever and ever. I wonder if she was sad leaving us, or if she was just ready to go. Nobody prepares you for the thick silence that hangs over the room while your puppy, your best friend, your teacher, selfie queen, and companion lays there lifelessly in your arms. Nobody prepares you for the anger you feel when the vet turns her back and brings your dog away, forever and ever. Nobody prepares you for the seven days after that moment, when you refuse to return to your parents house because Nala was no longer there. Nobody prepares you for the first time you see another dog, or the first time somebody tells you how good of a dog yours was, as if they know. We spent all this time studying how to welcome this little bundle of joy into our lives, where were the handbooks, expert vets and youtube guides now?!

I’ll always love my dog. I’ll always cherish our time together, the memories we made, the baguettes we shared. While my parents and sister have been able to move on and welcome and love a new little puppy, I have had a hard time opening this spot in my heart that has always been for the first one I ever loved. Don’t get me wrong! I can’t wait to adopt my own puppy one day, but for now, I’ll wait and learn to love. Because after all, Nala taught me that.