I can remember the day my best friend got her first real boyfriend. I was 19-years-old, she was 20. The two love birds had been “talking” for several months before he finally asked her to officially be his girlfriend. She was excited and I was excited for her. I knew this major addition to her life would change the dynamics of our friendship a little, but I wasn’t prepared for just how drastically our close-knit friendship would change.
My best friend and I had been inseparable since the 5th grade. We thought alike, we acted alike, we had the same sense of humor and we knew we could always count on each other no matter what. We did everything together. We talked or texted every single day about every little thing. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. There wasn’t a single thing going on in my life that she didn’t know about, no matter how big or small.
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Then along came the boyfriend and everything changed. Slowly, but surely, their relationship grew deeper and more serious. Before I knew it, all I ever heard her talk about was this boy. I was the third-wheel when he was around and, eventually, even when he wasn’t physically with us. She was either with him, talking about him, or talking to him on the phone.
But that was all normal, right? Their relationship was still new at this point and she was learning how to balance her new boyfriend with the rest of her friends, family and life. I patiently waited. I gave her time to adjust and find her balance.
The only problem? After a few more months, she still hadn’t gotten to a place where boyfriend and "not-boyfriend" had a balance. I began to see her less as time went on. I felt our friendship falling apart as her new relationship grew. That’s when I decided to sit down and talk to her about my concerns.
We sat, talked and she apologized. For a while, I felt better. Unfortunately, the resolve between us didn’t last. Their three month anniversary turned into six months, and their six months eventually into a year. The longer they dated, the less concerned she seemed with investing into our friendship and the more interested she was in investing into her relationship.
She started blowing off our pre-planned get-togethers for spur-of-the-moment time with her boyfriend. Suddenly, our time together apart from her boyfriend was even blemished by something boyfriend-related. Random phone calls in the middle of our set-aside time together left me sitting twiddling my thumbs for 20 minutes at a time; our planned movie nights were spoiled by hour-long phone conversations that couldn’t wait just one night and my efforts to show her how pushed aside and mistreated I felt were all in vain. I was living in the shadow of my best friend's boyfriend, I tried to follow behind her, but after a while I couldn’t keep up.
She couldn’t see how easily she was pushing me away. What used to be a beautiful, inseparable bond between friends dissolved rapidly into a distant memory. Today, my life-long best friend couldn’t even tell you the major current events of my life, never mind keep up with all of the little things about me that she used to know.
At first, I looked up to her relationship with her boyfriend. I used to think “if I have a relationship half as good as theirs, I’ll be doing great.” Now, the very relationship I used to admire has become something that I loathe.
My current relationship is quite intentionally nothing like the one that she has; not because I’m angry with her, not because I despise her boyfriend, but because I know how badly their type of relationship tore me apart. I know how the nature of their relationship dissolved our life-long friendship and that is not something I want to put any of my other friends through.
I don’t tell this story to complain or get sympathy. In all sincerity, I’ve come to terms with the situation and no matter how badly she hurt me through her choices, I still love her like the best friend I used to know. I relay this story to tell all of you “best friends” out there to be careful not to lose a life-long friendship over some boy or girl who may or may not stick around forever.
Maybe he is “Mr. Right,” maybe he’s not. But whether you only date him for a few months, or you end up marrying the guy, don’t let him become so important that you lose sight of the friends you had before him. Don’t get so wrapped up in a guy that you unknowingly throw away the close friendships you have with the people who will stick with you through the best and worst times of your life.
Ladies, boys are not a guaranteed forever, but your best friend is the one who will be standing by your side when everyone else walks away.
Guys, that girl may not still be “your girl” several months down the road; don’t abandon your buddies for her just because the two of you are in a relationship.
Don’t make one single person your whole world, make that special someone a part of the world you had before they came along.
It is normal to want to spend a lot of time with your boyfriend or girlfriend; it is natural to start investing more time in a relationship as it continues to grow; however, it is unhealthy to make that relationship the main focus of your life. Don’t just invest time in your relationship, invest time in your friendships.
If you forget about your friends and push them away for that special someone, who will you turn to if that relationship comes to an end? Who will be left standing by your side to comfort you or be there for you if you've blown off your friendships for the relationship you just lost?
You might think your best friend will always be there to fall back on, through thick and thin, but let me tell you from personal experience, a best friend can only take so much before she has to let go.
Don’t throw away your life-long friendships for any relationship. Everything has a balance, and if you don’t find it, you may turn around one day to realize that your best friend is no longer following in your boyfriend's shadow.
