Everyone losses themselves, every now and then, it can happen to even the best. I am far from the best but am one of those that is lost. I wish, I could be found as simple as a child being lost in a store, while frightening for both parent and child, it can easily be fixed as soon as they are reunited. For someone that doesn't know who they are anymore, it's a lot bigger fix that's going to take time.
Want a quick fix, want to be able to look in a mirror and know who is looking back, me too! Is there ever a true solution, is there actually a way to find yourself again, I certainly hope so because right now, it sucks to be so done and this being lost is all my fault. This year I have no balance between: work, sleep, social life, eating, relationships, and school. Thought I knew how to handle this hectic semester but no matter how well I excel in one area, I seem to be failing in another. I attempt to have time for myself and it ends by me feeling guilty and horrible for not spending that time elsewhere with either friends or school. I pay more attention to school then I let my friends down because yet again, I have to blow off some plan; attempt to spend time with my significant other it impacts my family by taking time away from them, spend time with them and feel bad for not working. Ask time off from work, because I simply want to sleep, then no one wins; except guilt for just wanting to sleep.
What I want impacts others, before their needs always came first above my own from losing sleep to hang out, not studying to go off somewhere or just simply to do what they want, it has always been me last. So I've tried taking more and more control back, by saying no to going off campus or suggesting something that will benefit me more instead. For awhile being selfish felt good, it was nice not having to put everyone else above myself, it felt good to be the reason we were going off campus. This is college after all; it's all about finding yourself and expressing yourself, well I did and most the time it worked out, until something big happens and you truly screw up by pushing too far by asking for too much or wanting something too outrageous.
That's when you know you are lost, when you have to look yourself in the mirror and you question who you are anymore. No its not selfish to want to do something for yourself every now and then but wishing ill on another person just cause they didn't want to go along with what you wanted or you getting upset from them pointing out "hey maybe you shouldn't be acting like such a brat wanting everything to go your way." No the limit with your needs before you cross the line and can't look back at how it used to be.
Look in that mirror and tell me right now, you know who you are, do you know who that person is starring back or are they a complete stranger? Can you say for certain you'll ever know who you are?
Whether its a simple need to find balance in life or if I've just hit a serious rut in my life, I hope I can get out of it soon.
