Okay, I know a lot of people have pride that holds them back from letting others know they do not know something, but as a person with anxiety, it isn't pride but my anxiety that makes me scared of not knowing something. And lately, I seem to know less and less.
Now I know that there is always something a person has to learn, no one knows everything, but I can't help but feel anxious lately about all the uncertainties in my life.
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People ask me if I will be around somewhere at some point this summer or if I want to go to this festival or that event, and every time I say, "I don't know; it depends."
It depends on if I get into grad school (which I don't know yet), where I get into grad school if I get in (my schools are all over the place) and whether or not I go teach ESL somewhere (depending on whether or not I get into grad school). And what if I work in the U.S., where would I work and what would I do?
I don't know the answers to most, if any, of these questions. So I have to say, "It depends."
I am a planner. I plan out my schedule, my routine; it makes my life less stressful that way since I always seem to be busy, so I need order. But when my plans get messed up or when I can't really figure out my next course of action, when I don't know, I get really worried.
I am a senior who is getting some very liberal "artsy" degrees. I am graduating in less than 100 days. That includes weekends and holidays. I get the questions about my post-grad plans, and I have answers for them. But what I can't say is where I will be in the future. I just don't know, but that doesn't stop my anxiety from making me worry about things that are out of my control (at the moment).
I hyper-focus on everything I can control; nothing else can have loose ends. I have to control what I can. This can be seen in the over 130 books I have checked out of the library and my constant reorganizing of all my things. I feel the need to enforce order and what I see is a chaotic future.
But here I am, I have to sit back and wait to hear back from all the grad schools I applied to, I have to do research about ESL programs, and I have to wait to apply to jobs until closer to when I can actually start working. But waiting has never been my strong suit; worrying is.
It is hard; I feel like most of my friends, who are also seniors, are very stressed about the future. We sit together and stress. We talk about who got rejected from which programs and who wants to do what with their life after Ohio Wesleyan. Some people are lucky and have already heard back about their programs or have job offers lined up; I am notone of those people.
It is frustrating to admit to myself that I don't know what is going on. I want to know; I want the security of knowing what my future will look like, not just knowing what I want it to look like. I don't know where I shall be living, what I shall be doing or how content I shall be.
"I don't know; it depends..."
