Sometimes when I picture my love life, I see myself on a couch wrapped in a blanket all warm and comfortable watching something on the television completely safe and surrounded by love. If you were to think I was cuddling with a loved one, wrapped in a blanket, safe and warm, full of love, watching a movie with my significant other, then you’d be wrong. Actually I am wrapped up in a blanket because I am freezing to death because I have no one else’s body heat to make me feel the fire of love, that “thing” I’m watching is actually “How to be Single” in which I am slowly but surely dying on the inside because my life isn’t that interesting. Also, the surrounded by love part? Yeah that’s me being surrounded by a fat cocker spaniel and a fat wiener dog that have fallen asleep on me because instead of a “Cat Lady”--as most would call it--I am “The Single Dog Guy”. Oh and that feeling safe and what not? Yeah that’s me downing glass of wine number eight, let’s just say these dogs could be eating my leg and I wouldn’t notice at this point.

Sure you could say that my suppose love life is a complete train wreck and also depressing. But if you really think about it, it’s actually not. For some reason most of us are under some illusion that we have to be in a committed relationship by now. We are in our twenties and slowly but surely coming more and more independent and actually thinking like an adult, so the next step is being with someone and cue the wedding bells. The weird part is that we as a generation are all about moving forward and having modern morals and backing away from past ideas and philosophies, and yet we find ourselves going back to the old ways without really noticing.

To be honest I never really noticed this until majority of my friends were coming to me for advice about love. Supposedly I am the love guru that knows all, even though I have two bad relationships under my belt. But, I know what not to do in any relationship situation so they come to me to get a second opinion. It wasn’t until I was giving the same exact speech to the third friend in a row, that I began to notice that most of us—even including me—are having the worst time trying to find love in our twenties.

We try and try and try again and where do we end up? Nowhere. I began to feel frustrated about myself. All I kept thinking was “WHY AM I NOT GETTING ANYONE!? AM I THAT UGLY!?” Yes those thought were in all caps because that’s how panicked I was at the idea of me being undesirable and unwanted. I began to look at myself and think of everything I was doing wrong, like, what was I saying? How was I looking? How was I acting on the date? Why aren’t they interested in me? Am I not interesting? And the simple fact was that it was none of the above, the real answer was simple and clear, I wasn’t playing the game.

Yes, the game, and this game is called Dating. When we were teenagers, we are all about the game, who we are talking to, who we are dating, who we are having flings with, who we are even sleeping with, yes all of it. When one fling ends, we find another. When someone dumps us we grab another one within hours because we are young and we are thinking like anyone else, “I’m just trying to have fun!”

And fun we had, but then there comes a time when one of those flings sticks on us and we can’t get rid of it. We get a glimpse of what a committed relationship looks like and we become mature in our own way with them. We understand how to make a committed relationship work and we are no longer playing the game anymore, we are playing “Spouses”.

So for however long you are out the game, you become weak to the traditions of what dating actually means. And when that relationship ends, we are broken, alone, and left with the idea of trying to start all over again. So what do we do? We go back to the game, only to see that it has changed exponentially and we feel behind the times.

I began to realize all of this, the game, “Spouses”, being weak, being thrown into something I wasn’t use to anymore when I met dear ole Chris. Oh, Chris, you son of a bitch. Chris and I met through mutual friends and to my knowledge; I thought we hit it off great. I just gotten out of a relationship that lasted three years and I was so happy that I was able to jump from one sinking ship to another, to get my mind off the past and work for the future. If only I knew I was jumping from one ship, to the Titanic. Chris and I went on many dates, we texted each other all day, said good night to each other, you know, cute shit like that. Then I started to realize that the only time Chris wanted to see me was after 9:30 P.M. and then I had to leave promptly in the morning.

You see, I should’ve seen that as a red flag from square one, but I didn’t. If I was actually in the game, then I would’ve spot it in a second and realized what it actually was, but instead, I just rolled with punches, and actually thinking that maybe this could be a serious relationship. But at the end of the day, I was having a “Friends with Benefits” without even knowing it or being informed. Yes, Chris, pulled a fast one on me and left me feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. I didn’t realize this until about a month in—which deeply grinds my gears considering that back in the day in my prime and youth of the game I would’ve spotted that within a second and been out of there—I began to realize what was actually going on. It wasn’t until one fine day when Chris (you stupid son of a bitch) accidentally sent me a text he meant for someone else.

Are you feeling where I am about to go? If not, then let me help you. In the text, he claimed he was on Tinder because he was still hooked on his ex. Ouch. Burn. Hurt. When I confronted him about the text he had the audacity to say “Oh sorry wrong person”.

No shit Sherlock. So when pushing him more on the issue I was told that we were just friends and dare I not have ever known that! When he was texting me day in and day out, saying cute things to me constantly, and told everyone at the restaurant that we were on a date. You’re totally right Chris, I should’ve known. And you know what? He is right, I should’ve known. I was weak and stupid and the game had kicked my ass faster than a kid getting his lunch money stolen on the playground. It was in these exact moments that I realized that being in a committed relationship had made me weak, and the game? It was completely foreign to me, almost like being the upcoming freshman in a room full of seniors who knew the game in and out and all the modifications it has made over the years.

I then put it all together when every one of my friends was going through the exact same thing as I was. All of us had been in a committed relationship, got out of it, thrown back into haywire, only to come out hurt and bruised. We were left dazed and confused as the punches were rolling in and out. The idea of playing the game and the answer to not finding love in my twenties really hit me after Chris, and I began to think why it was so difficult in the first place

1. Being in a long, committed relationship changes you.

If you think a relationship changes you, as in you become some old wicked witch after it all ends because you’re now bitter about everything, then you’d be right about me and wrong about yourself. But really, being in a committed relationship does change you in some way or another. We understand how to make something work for as long as possible, we become more mature, and we get a glimpse of what long lasting love can feel like. Then have it all ripped away and now you’re pissed off and alone. You see how I’ve become bitter? Just kidding. But really in some way or another we are changed for better or for worse when we are committed to someone.

It’s a step to becoming a mature adult and we begin to start acting like adults. We learn what loyalty is and we forget everything about the hook ups and the flings. We forget how to pick up anyone because we are so use to not trying to keep the one we already have so we grow comfortable. Why try when you already have their heart and they have yours? So you step away from the game and you lose practice on staying in the club.

You feel safe and protected because to you, your loved one would never leave you or do anything to hurt you right? So you forget about keeping their interest and having hook ups because you’re safe in a relationship in which you don’t have to try that hard all the time. You know deep down that he or she would never leave you so why try?

It’s not until it’s all over that you realize you have to go back to the Land of Promiscuity and the members of the clan who have been practicing their pick-up lines while you were stuffing your face with chocolate and love. You’re under prepared and you feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. You know, sort of what your 20’s is all about? Walking around dazed and confused trying to adult but failing at it miserably? Yeah a feeling we all know too well.

This is why I put all of this as a step one to figuring out why you’re still feeling alone in your 20’s. The moment you realize that you’re not that sixteen-year-old who was breaking hearts and taking names, you’ll begin to look at yourself in a more mature way. Love and relationships will change you and make you grow, whether it’s for better or for worse. Realizing that being hurt by someone, being left by someone, leaving someone, hurting someone, you have changed in one way or another. You’ve made mistakes, you’ve learned from them and in that you have changed, no if’s, and’s, or but’s.

Which leads me to number two folks.

2. Everyone is different, and everyone wants something different.

I came to realization when I started dating again, that not everyone has the same intentions as you and especially not the same goals as you might be thinking. I met two guys from the University of Oklahoma both on separate occasions, both that taught me a valuable lesson. We will start with good ole John. I met John at an acting tournament in San Angelo, Texas and to my belief I felt we hit it off. Are you starting to notice the pattern I am beginning to notice? I always felt that we “hit it off”, you know sparks fly and what not? But I will get to that later, but first, let me get back to John.

My first date with John was spectacular, we talked for hours upon hours and I actually opened up to him. For once in what seemed a long time, I felt as if I could really move on and be happy with someone else. I felt like the hole in my chest was a little bearable when it came to the pain.

We talked about our aspirations and what we wanted out of life and I remember sitting in the front seat of my car thinking of how perfect all of this was. I was with someone new in a car in the middle of night just talking. No hook ups, no flings, no jokes, this was real. John wanted I wanted, a long term partner, someone he could count on and possibly love one day.

But you see, this is where I went wrong. I assumed all of this; I took the perfect situation and made it into a fairy tale. Yes, a fairy tale with simplistic ideas and beliefs that held no merit for what was really going on. To me, John wanted what I wanted, John saw what I saw, John believed what I believed what was happening. Instead, John was seeing what he wanted to see, John was feeling what he wanted to feel, and John believed what he wanted to believe because John is his own individual person and no one will ever know what John wants unless that person is John.

With a lapse of judgement I was blindsided by the inevitable and that was John wanted a fling and that’s it. At the time, I hated him for it. I felt betrayed and stupid for believing him and for a while I hoped he would fall down a flight of stairs and break every bone in his body.

But then I met Adam and it was the same thing all over again. I believed once again that it would work out and we would be forever and ever after. We stayed up the entire night talking and fooling around and I was amazed at how happy I was again that I found someone who wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with them.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Adam wanted a fling, Adam wanted someone to talk to for the time being, and Adam wanted some affection for the night, that’s it folks. Once again I was crushed, I was hurt, and I felt broken all over again.

But it was at that moment I began to realize that John and Adam wanted different things than what I wanted. I wanted a long term relationship, but John and Adam just wanted to have fun. They were two single guys in college, why in the world would they want to be tied down when they’re experiencing freedom and independence? Both wanted different things than what I wanted, they wanted easy and accessible, not long term and turmoil.

All the hatred I felt for them disappeared when I came to this realization, because at that point I realized there was nothing I could’ve done, they were on two different paths, paths that held no road for me to where I was planning on going. How could I blame them for wanting a different path than I did? How could I wish them the worse when it was honestly one date? Why was I constantly thinking that every date I was going on was one step away from marriage? And the answer to this question was I was so desperate to go back to what I knew and that was being in a relationship. The abnormal became my new reality, a reality that I knew all too well and was clinging to.

I was so desperate to return that I was completely ignoring all the signs that John and Adam wanted to just have fun and I wanted something too soon and too quickly. They were different than I was, and they wanted different things.

3. It’s not personal, it’s just the game

So many of my friends come running to me after their break ups and after the dates go sour and every time they begin to cry and explain how it was their fault. They become dazed and confused on why no one wants them, why they get left so quickly and frequently. This is normal because if everyone keeps leaving you behind you begin to wonder that maybe it is actually you that’s causing this.

So let me clear something up for you. It’s not your fault and it’s not you. It’s also not them either, it’s the game. Do you remember the phrase “It’s not personal it’s just business?” Well that’s the quote you should apply to this situation but think, “It’s not personal it’s just the game.” No one sets out to date and be romantic with someone just so they can hurt them. Feelings change, life changes, you want something, he/she wants something, it’s never personal.

So instead of feeling like you are the problem, start thinking how this is nothing against you, it’s just the way the game works. When you start to put yourself in that mind-set, you start to not take every rejection so personally and to heart. When you put the rejection on a level that is completely understandable and reasonable, you take the rejection easier than you did before.

I’m not saying that when someone rejects you, you’re able to smile and laugh it off. Hell to the no, rejection sucks no matter how or which way you put it. Rejection is something that hurts each and every one of us, but if you could lessen the blow of pain, wouldn’t you want to try anything?

4. Stop looking for something that’s not ready to be found.

At the end of the day this is what I tell my friends when they come to me broken hearted and feeling that no one would ever want them. Since I gave them this speech, I felt like I should give it to you. We are not the only ones that feel like this, we are not the only ones experiencing this, and we are not the only ones who need to hear this.

Being in our 20’s is hard, it is difficult, and it is probably one of the challenging moments of our lives. We are newly independent trying to figure out how the world works when we have no freaking clue on how we are going to figure it out. We are suppose to know what we want to do with our lives, who we want to be, how we want to be and we don’t have the slightest idea on how to answer any of those questions. We feel unprepared and confused most of the time and we feel as if we are the only ones experiencing all of this.

On top of all of this, we try to find happiness with someone. Someone who could be your partner in crime and someone you could live the rest of your life with. But at the end of the day we come up short, we see that everyone around us is in a relationship, getting engaged, and getting married, well guess what? We are not them, we are different. So what if everyone around you is in a relationship? Good for them! Be happy for them! They were able to find it and one day you will to.

All of your dates go bad? Congrats, there are seven billion people in the world so prepare yourself for more crappy dates because you have another 6.8 billion people to go through. You’re not going to meet Prince Charming or Princess Abigail in one date, we are not like the movies, we are reality. Movies make us think we have to find love right here right now in some magical and creative way. Well guess what? That’s not how life works.

Oh and you feel as if no one wants you? That’s rejection and it’s a part of life. The sooner you realize that not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to love you, and not everyone is going to think you’re this amazing person, the sooner you’ll start thinking “Well fuck you too, I’m great and you’re missing out”. But one person out there will like you, will love you, will think you’re the most amazing person out there. It’s just not ready to be found yet.

Stop rushing what is not ready to be seen. Stop trying so hard to be with someone when you’re not happy with yourself. Be happy on your own before you partner up. The moment you stop looking and become happy with your surroundings, then you’ll realize that not everything is about being with someone. You’re in your 20’s you’re suppose to have fun and live life. To have adventures and make mistakes over and over again and learn from them. To have those horrible dates and horrible ex-lovers that are worth to talk about one day and look back upon. Something to laugh about when you’re much older and wiser. To think, this is what you’ll be thinking of when you’re so old all you can do is look back on your wild days as a twenty-year-old and remember all the stupid things you’ve done and laugh at your own mistakes.

If you’re wanting a serious relationship now and you’re unable to find what you are looking for, then understand that not everyone is at the same pace as you are. Everyone wants different things at different times, most people are under the impression that they have the rest of their lives before they settle down. So try to understand that this has nothing to do with you and how you catch a man/woman, it’s about being at the right place at the right time with the right person.

Stop looking for something that isn’t ready to be found, it will find you. If you want to throw the argument that you have gone years of searching without any hope then let me tell you that wonderful phrase in which it is used way too much, but it has a point, and that is, “Rome wasn’t built in a day sunshine”. I added the sunshine part to make it original so you’re welcome, it seemed to fit.

Like I’ve said, being in our 20’s is hard! It sucks! Sometimes it’s fun and sometimes we are looking around and thinking “Why me?”. On top all of this we want to find love and we are unable to have that sometimes, then we feel like it’s all our faults, well it’s not. We are still growing and changing and evolving and it’s okay to be alone sometimes. Be happy with yourself, and stop searching for something that isn’t ready to be found.