When I was in high school, I learned that I have been suffering from depression, not so much learned as confirming ideas that my mind told me. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to have anyone worry about me.
When I was being ushered in to the school counselor’s office during my junior year math class, it felt like I was drowning, was it obvious that I wanted to end my life? Are they going to tell my parents? I didn’t want to worry anyone, I felt like I wasn’t worth the time, and after a while I believed it.
“How are you feeling?”
Right now, at this moment, I want to walk in front of a bus.
“I’m tired”
They know you’re messed up.
“What’s going on?”
I don’t see any light, everything feels muffled. Like I’m surrounded by ice cold water.
“I’m just kind of down”
I’m begging you, just tell them.
“Have you made a plan?”
Yes. I play chicken with a razor blade to my wrist. I see if I have the balls to pull the belt tighter. I know how many pills to take to feel like I’m just taking a nap.
“No”
You’re going to keep this up? God what is wrong with you.
My trip to the hospital made me feel even more inhuman. I’m stripped down to nothing but a paper gown, sent to a room that is completely bare, alone. But that doesn’t mean I still can’t hear my mother on the other side of the door. See I had a plan, but I could never do that to my parents, to my siblings, it wasn’t fair to them, My future was muddy and dark, but they were living theirs, I couldn’t interrupt that.
They think you are going to kill yourself in here
“What’s going on? Why haven’t you told anyone about these feelings?”
I don’t want people to worry about me, I am not worth it, and I’m nothing. No one really cares about me.
“I don’t want people to worry about me.”
Why did you tell them that? You are so stupid.
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
My whole life, but it really started picking up more in the last three months
“It started three months ago I want to say”
“Have you made a plan?”
If you say yes they will keep you here. If you say yes your mother will cry, let your eyes say it. You NEED me here, you can’t handle the real world. When you get home you can try again. Just give up-
“Nick, Have you made a plan?”
“…No, but if I were to be in the path of a bus that wasn’t slowing down, I don’t think I have it in me to move out of the way. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I’m so tired so very tired”
I’m alive today because the garage door opened at that right time, or that classmate asked me if I was okay, or the look my dog gave me, saved my life more than I want to admit. I got the help I needed to be the big goof ball that I am today. I’m an advocate for the light at the end of a tunnel. You are just in a bend of the tunnel, the light is still there you just have to find it. I’m begging you please find it. I’m rooting for you over here on my own path. You can do it, it’s just a little bit more.
The future has always been my biggest fear, mainly because I can never see mine. But I can see yours, you will be happy, you will survive this. This pain that you feel is only temporary, and it will return, it will always be there, like that ugly shade of paint that no matter how many times you paint over it there always seems to a small glow of the old color. Life gets better, slap another coat of paint and keep going.
