People have good qualities and bad qualities. Good qualities such a listening, being nice, caring. Bad qualities like anger, jealously, selfishness. But too much of a good thing is bad and that’s me. Some of these good qualities are just so strong, it just has become who I am.
I listen. That’s what I do. I don’t write big speeches, I listen. I struggle to write articles, because I read. Because I listen, I rarely talk about myself. Well, I do, but not the depth that I should. (Here’s a hint: I haven't shared most of what I am about to say) I listen to people’s problems, I stay silent of mine. If I fall apart, I keep it together for other people, and listen to their problems. Talk to a therapist, nothing to talk about. I listen to people’s arguments, but I won’t make my own. I listen because I am not assertive. I can easily slip into a crowd of four people. Waiting in line, so easy not to notice me. I am quiet, so quiet it can be loud. I patiently wait, and if I have waited for a while, I quietly assert myself or wait until someone notices me (that happens more often).
Recommended for you
I’m nice. To everyone. If I don’t like you, you won’t know. Why? I hate the feeling that someone that you would like to be friends with doesn't like you, so why would I put that on other people? However, this is a lot of work. I have learned to listen more, talk less. Hold my tongue when it comes to insults. Be nice, to everyone no matter what. There is nothing else that I want more sometimes than to just let someone know I don’t like them, but I just can’t. Like the commercial where the wife passes of Fiber One Bars as her own recipe, “I’m in deep.” I’ve been this way for so long, I can’t do anything else.
I’m judgmental. I try my hardest to hide it, but I am. While this is nowhere near a good quality, because I try to be nice, it tends to effect me more than my relationships. I constantly fear what people think of me, not about how I dress (because I dress nice because I like it), but how I act. If someone gives me a compliment, I don’t know how to take it. Do they just want something? Are they just saying that to be nice? Do I have to complement them back? If I say “you too” will they think that I don’t like anything about them? This is the voice in my head that makes my heart race, get a hot flash and essentially give me anxiety in every social situation. To me, you have to fit the status quo, otherwise you’re different. I have not talked to some really cool people, just because their hair was long, they act different or they do something I don’t like.
Now, before those of you that don’t know me well think this is all of me, I hope it isn’t. But just know, the person next to you, might want to apologize for the milk that they spilled, but they just can’t. You’re best friend might want to tell you something, they just can’t figure out how to say it. And that keeps them awake at night.
