As the days prior creep up and pass, you replay everything that happened in your mind. What seemed like such simple and irrelevant everyday tasks, now are key moments in your life that lead up to one of the worst days of your life – if not the worst.
You went through life during those couple days completely unaware. Unaware of what was to happen, and you hate that you did not know it was going to happen, but how were you to know?
Your last interaction with them sticks out crystal clear, even though it may have been nothing special. If only you had known that interaction would have been the last, what would you have done differently?
Although the couple days prior may stick in your mind, it is the morning of and the days following that are most prevalent. The ones where you can recall every breath and every last thought you had while living through them.
When the anniversary of that dreaded day rolls around, the morning of leaves you consistently perplexed. You recall just walking through the motions of your day, getting upset or annoyed at the tiniest of burdens, just completely unaware of how the rest of your day will soon unfold.
In some cases, there are ways to prepare for people’s deaths – if you know they are coming.
In my case, there was no way of knowing, no way of preparing myself, and no way of personally preventing it. A true sudden tragedy.
Regardless of the circumstances, when death rears its ugly head, no matter how prepared you think you are, it hits you like the sudden crash of a wave, consuming you in complete and utter sadness.
Now, when the anniversary makes its way to the present, you seem to notice every minute passing and compare them to the day of. What you were doing, and the unrealistic situations of what you convince yourself you could have been doing to prevent it.
You think of the nights you spent lying awake, wondering how it was even possible to still be crying. Now, years later, you think of how much you cried when it occurred and compare it to how much less you cried this year.
Feeling a little guilty? I know you are, but you shouldn’t.
They say, “It gets easier with time.”
Yes, it slowly does. What they don’t tell you is that although the sadness may depreciate, a small percent of it is replaced by a sense of guilt. A feeling that you are moving on with your life and shouldn’t be because they didn’t get the chance to, or worse – the feeling that you may be forgetting them.
Of course, you will never forget who they were and how they affected your life, but what did that laugh sound like again?
Memories, you will always remember happening, but what fades are the specifics.
Losing someone in a tragedy that completely blindsided you has to be one of the toughest experiences out there, one I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Through the wreckage of the aftermath, you tried to piece together an answer, but still have yet to find one.
Personally, if I can give any advice in situations like these, it would be to stop searching for an answer that you will damage yourself trying to find, and start looking at the things you do not have to search for. The things that made up all of what they were to you.
Maybe a bubbly personality, a huge heart, an extreme sense of confidence, or just a fearless love for life.
Take those characteristics of the person you loved so much, and adopt at least one as your own.
Begin to live like them in a way, and they will always be with you.
