In light of recent events, I feel as if I need to get this out:
It's okay if you're not ready for a relationship.
If you feel that it isn't, it's going to be. Recently, I dated a guy for two weeks that I had been talking to for about three months. Maybe almost four. He is a guy every girl wants: sweet, does little surprises for you, makes sure you're okay, calls you every night before bed, texts you all day without leaving you hanging, and worships the ground you walk on basically. You could almost say he was... perfect. Laugh all you want that I am writing about someone I had only known for over four months, but it was the first relationship I have had in almost two years.
But, inside... I didn't feel anything. In the beginning, I felt butterflies for sure. I even felt safe with him. But after we decided to make it official, I didn't feel anything anymore. You know the phrase, "It's not you, it's me"? I feel as if when people usually use that phrase, it's to be nice and not have a bad break up. This phrase fits perfectly here. Except, he had done nothing wrong. In this case, it really was me. There are things you don't think about that you then realize later on, and it was that I just wasn't ready for a relationship.
Rewinding to September 2014, I had started dating this guy and we ended up dating for a year and a half. Everything had been fine until one day, I caught him being sneaky, and I called him out on it. He decided that he wanted to end it because I was "crazy." I had gone through so much verbal abuse and emotional/mental abuse from this guy throughout the time that I had dated him, that all my trust had literally been drained out of me. Now, you might say "If he hurt you so bad during the relationship, why were you with him for so long?" That reason being that I was blind. I was blinded because I liked him so much, I put up with all the abuse. I realized so much later on that he had been verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusing me. It took me so long to see it, but I'm glad I did eventually.
That experience showed me how much of a show people can really put on. I had been through so much with this guy, two birthdays for the both of us, two Thanksgivings, two Christmases, two Valentines days. I helped him get back on his feet, gave him money when he needed it, bought him food when he didn't have money for any, new clothes, new shoes, helped him get his license, gave him my Xbox and Beats headphones because he couldn't afford it. I even stayed at his house for a week to take care of him after he dislocated his shoulder. I would drive about forty-five minutes every day that week to go to work when it was only a twenty-minute drive from my house. I took him to physical therapy, I even helped him get into the Union after his shoulder got better. He had always talked about going into the Union like his cousin did and saw how much he was making. I helped him make that dream become reality and pushed him to do whatever he had to do to get the job. But it all went to waste. He was engaged before me, now I've learned he's engaged and living with the girl after me. I know it sounds so stupid to care about it, but it made me think "I did so much for him, and somebody he hasn't even been with for a year after me already has a ring on her finger and he put a roof over her head?" It honestly made me realize no matter how much good I do for others, I will never get anything back in return. That's when it started hitting me that I couldn't date anyone for a while, and now I don't think I ever want to date again.
Now forwarding back to this year, past all the f***boys I met, I found somebody completely opposite of my ex-boyfriend. I feel horrible for how long I led him on. People keep saying, "Well it's better you broke up with him now than hurt him more by breaking up with him later," and that's just not how I see it. I see it as I hurt somebody who cared so much for me, all because somebody hurt me two years ago. I know it was two years ago, but wow you just don't even realize how much a situation messed you up until you really think about it. I feel so emotionless, and I have such a wall built up that I don't ever want to let it down again. I just hate that I did this to someone so kind.
If you have surprisingly made it this far in my article, thank you. Just know that if you don't feel anything with a person even though they're so kind, caring, and like no other guy you have met before, it's okay to not be ready for a relationship. If you feel yourself forcing yourself to feel something, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. I am not saying don't ever get into a relationship again, because one day in the future you will find somebody who makes you feel like you won the lottery every day, and they will feel the same way about you. Maybe not someday soon, but it will happen. Everybody was made for somebody, it just takes time to find them, and that's okay.
