Often, guys like me that are secured in a long time marriage or relationship are asked: “How do you make it work for almost 20 years? And why hasn’t that happened to me?” Well, those are pretty general questions, and nobody can have the answers for everybody because there are so many different reasons. My answer is always that I got lucky. And that’s only lucky for now. You never know what tomorrow brings.

I almost always sidestep the question with that response, because I almost always get the question from my friends who happen to be women. Now, some of these women actually know exactly what the problem is, so I just listen. That’s when I really learn, especially if I’m trusted enough for her to tell you the truth about both parties’ contribution to the destruction of a relationship, his and hers. But some of these ladies are genuinely confused.

And when they break down what happened to me, I hear things in there that might have been the reason they suffered through another disappointment. But I don’t point it out. Why? Because they didn’t ask, and I’m not here to piss off my lady pals by acting all knowledgeable, even though I think I might be on to something. Some things are better off learned on one’s own, and all of my friends tell me things because they know I’m not a judgmental blabbermouth.

But here, I’m going to tell you what I know, and hope it helps. I’ve identified the few reasons I can see why women that I know are damn fine women that still haven’t found Mr. Right, 20 years out of high school. So, this one is for the ladies.

“Why am I single?”

A.)“Because you want to be.” Seriously. Single, highly eligible women usually stay single because they like the lifestyle. They see married or long-term couples, and think “that’s so sweet. Ohhh, I would love to be like that. Think if I ever got sick, or needed help? They always have each other’s backs…” Then, you remind yourself you have girlfriends that will stab somebody for you. This seems to get a little harder when those friends maybe get married, and become a little scarce because they have families to tend to, but you still love your freedom. And let’s face it, being in a committed relationship, you are not free. You’re not free to go splurge on something pricey without talking about it. You’re not free to not be home on a Friday evening because you’re out with your friends without saying anything. No, you’re not. And some women realize these things, and decide that’s the lifestyle they want. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you ultimately know what you want, and watching other people in those concrete relationships is sweet to you, and you could imagine it. Because that’s the human instinct, I think; to have a life mate. But it’s not for everybody.

B.)“Because you’re a bitch.” Sorry. Let me explain before you get angry. You really may be a bona fide bitch. If you are sitting there texting your male friend, and he’s watching you, and you’re giggling and completely caught up…but he texted a female friend, and now you need a DNA test to prove that’s really his cousin, or his life will be hell, you’re a bitch. If you want to make all the decisions, but want him to get out and change the tire in the dead of winter, you are, in fact, a bitch. If he’s uncomfortable with your extra friendly friend that’s always encouraging you to do things like you are single, but you hate his friend that likes to come over and play Call of Duty, you already know. I could go on, but if you’re one of these selfish women that wants the man to defer to you all the time, but he better be ready to do something a man would do for his woman, you’re a bitch. And a stupid one, at that. You can’t have a part-time yes-man, part-time Superman. It doesn’t work like that. Good men love for their women to feel free, so I’m not saying you need some Ike Turner guy that controls you. Not at all. But don’t expect somebody that YOU control to suddenly take the wheel when something pops up that you can’t or won’t handle on your own. And then, go bragging about how “men can’t handle me…” You’re right. They can’t.

C.)“Your baggage.” This is a big one. In my last writing, I advised guys to persuade women to let them drive if you take them out to dinner. This isn’t a control thing. It’s an indication of how comfortable a woman is with her own judgment. You’ve talked to him a bunch, and both of you admitted some things…you allegedly like the guy, but you want to act like Jennifer Garner in “Alias” when he tries to pick you up. We live in an age where you can easily forward all kinds of info to your circle, and show who you’re going out with. Don’t “gender profile”, because you’ve had some bad experiences. It’s not fair. And don’t feed me: “I just met him!” You should probably be more afraid of the nice guy you’ve been seeing for months than the new guy you just met. A guy can be perfect for a while, and then suddenly start choking you out for a smart comment or find a way to drain your bank account months later. I know women have it rough. But you have to understand that meeting the right person is a crapshoot, and deal with it, or keep your suspicious ass at home. Starting out acting like the guy is Hannibal Lector is a bad sign. Let him be a man from the start, and maybe he’ll believe you’ll let him do that forever.

D.)“Don’t move too fast.” This relates to the last point. I’ve seen people go head over heels fast. Always a big mistake, but this is more chemical than rational. When you meet somebody that really gets to you, there are forces at work in your brain that damn near intoxicate you. Next thing you know, he lives with you. And you barely know him. It’s like that Beyonce song, “Drunk in Love”. That’s a real thing, we’ll come back to that, later. But before you go giving your heart away, you have to see a couple of tests. And you can’t stage those tests. They have to happen like life, spontaneously and by chance. And that takes time. Otherwise, you could wind up with that guy that leaves you when you fall as Michael Myers is chasing you two. That may be why I’ve been successful. One thing I can say is I have NEVER bailed when things got hard. And I have never freaked out, even if she did. I confronted our problems, and I did it calmly. And please believe this has happened multiple times.

E.)“Today’s Culture.” Back to Beyonce…do you like the song by Destiny’s Child “Soldier”? You like the boys in the Lacs that be leanin’? Open they mouth, them grills gleamin’? (Basically guys in fancy cars, with gold teeth, for all the hood-challenged…) Better yet, remember the TLC song “No scrubs”? You better knock that shit off, quickly. YOU are a regular person, okay? You’re not a celebrity. Don’t overestimate yourself. That guy in the passenger seat of his fancy homeboy’s car MIGHT be the best guy for you! Stop it, right now. The first thing a pissed-off, disillusioned woman will do is quote a damn Rihanna song or something. Just remember, she got her ass beat, too. And Halle Berry can’t keep a man to save her life. Ask for a bad boy and you’ll get exactly what you asked for. If you had a picture in your head about who you need, get it out of there. Leave that pop culture nonsense on your MP3 player and your DVR. It’s all fake. The one you need is not in your fantasies. Do you like Ne-Yo’s “Independent Woman”? I do. But that woman is alone, or she dumps guys like paper cups. Women today are more educated and accomplished than men. You go and do things on your own, and have your own money and your career and goals for the future. But you’re still a woman, and that man is still a man. If he’s not strong enough to accept your strength, then he’s not. If he is, learn to be quiet for a second and listen when he has a problem with you. Because if he’s the real guy, you probably won’t catch those words too often.

That’s all I got for you right now. Just a few observations. And you should know I’m no woman-basher. I truly love women in general. Not just for being beautiful and smart and strong, but a woman in your corner is like nothing else. When I was a kid, I once had a young woman face down some really big guys that wanted to pound me into dust, but they backed off. She couldn’t beat them, but they knew it would be a fight.

That was a most courageous act, but it wasn’t the last time. My mother once ran out into a parking lot with a lead pipe to save one of my sister’s friends from being assaulted in a car. She was prepared for total war, and Mom was tiny. I was way too small to help, and I tried to stop her. But she backed this asshole down, and got the girl out, safely. How are you brave when you’re supposed to lose? You can’t top that. This isn’t criticism. It’s an effort to help. And whatever your motivations or desires are, if I sound like a man, maybe you could listen. And I hope you get what you want, as long as it’s the right thing for you.