I've gone through a bit of a rough patch recently. From realizing how lonely I am living in a town where I know no one to totaling my car and not actually remembering how any of it happened... I've hit quite a rut in the emotion department...And for someone like me, that can almost be detrimental.
I try to live a life of optimism and love. I'm typically slow to anger, and I try my hardest to be as understanding and open-minded as I can be. But I've noticed an almost immediate decline in my positivity and a rush of anxiety and paranoia.
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This emotional shift has affected almost every aspect of my life--work ethic, genuine behaviors of compassion, body positivity. I've lost my drive to be empathetic and caring, and I can honestly say it scares the shit out of me.
Trying to tell myself there are bigger problems in the world makes me feel even worse, and I can't seem to find reconciliation with who I truly am. I talk often of a life of love and self-awareness, but I can sit here and honestly tell each and every one of you that this lifestyle is easy to lose. It comes and goes in waves, whether we want it to or not. There are times when microscopic problems affect our macroscopic view, and these times should be handled with patience.
The best thing I can tell myself is that each one of us has battles to withstand. Each one of us has small victories and goals we are trying to accomplish. Do not confuse these battles with selfishness. Your anxiety, your pain, your struggles are not selfishness. They are real, and they are difficult. But do not make others' selfishness your battle.
I've spent too much time filling my life with people who parasitically latched onto me for guidance and support and left me exhausted and worn down. Be careful in whom you put your trust and in whom you confide. It's difficult to see true colors at a glance.
For many of my empathetic brothers and sisters, this quote from Oscar Wilde will ring true, "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
I know I'm not the only one who has spent hours trying to morph myself into something someone else wanted. I'm exhausted. I'm weary, and my heart is heavy. I know I'm not alone.
Surround yourself with only the best of people--people who understand you... People who will be there through your worst and best times--people who know when you're struggling just as much with finding yourself as you are with losing yourself.
As for now, ride out your emotions.
