Our lives are such an intricate and fascinating story. Each and every relationship, experience, and emotion change us. With each thought we think, each word we say, and each emotion we feel, we grow and change. We each are who we are because of the wars we have fought, the trials we have faced, the love we have both given and received, and the memories we hold dear as well as the ones we wish we could forget. Sometimes we wish that those negative things wouldn’t affect us. Sometimes we even try to pretend that they don’t. But they do. And though we can always learn from the bad stories and move on, they still can leave scars. Loving someone who bears these scars can be difficult. Whether you are their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even their friend, parent, sibling, or roommate it can be challenging. It can test you in ways that you never expected and in ways that will both draw you closer to that person, and also make you want to grab them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. Loving a person with scars is hard, maybe one of the hardest things you will ever do. But know this. It may also be one of the most important, life-changing, and best things you ever get the chance to do.

Scars aren’t always worn on our skin. They aren’t always evident by our actions or vocalized in our speech. Some have managed to perfect the art of hiding them and acting like they don’t exist. They even often find themselves forgetting that they are there. They are, though, and seem to find the most inconvenient times to make themselves known. When you are dating a person who has these scars, if they start to show, if they slip up in hiding them, please don’t get upset. Loving a person with scars can be really challenging. You may never know who gave them their scars, where, or how they got them. If they decide to tell you, listen.

The stories of their scars' origins are not pretty, rarely easy to understand, and almost always very difficult and painful to recount. It is important never to force someone to tell you these tales. When they are ready they will tell you, and if they never do, just know that by loving them anyway, you are helping to heal those old scars. Forcing someone to tell you those painful stories will hurt, both of you. If they aren’t ready, don’t push them. I really don’t know if I can stress this enough.

But when they do tell you, listen. Hold the questions until the end. If they ask for a hug, then wrap your arms around them and make them feel like you will never let go. But it is crucial for you to know that not everyone can handle even being touched when they are recounting these stories. Please be respectful of that. Don’t make them feel guilty for not snuggling or for backing away. Do whatever you can to make them feel safe and know that you are listening. Don’t judge. I know this can be really difficult. But keep in mind that they have obviously grown, they have changed, learned, and they are not the same person they used to be. Don’t hold it against them. Telling you some of this stuff is really difficult for them, and odds are, they are terrified of what your reaction will be. Please, please, please, don’t make their fears come true. Don’t expect their scars to go away just because y’all have talked about it. But also don’t bring it up every day. They don’t like being reminded of them. Odds are they want them to go away too.

When you love a person with scars, you must have patience. This is the most important piece of advice that I can possibly give you. In the words of Cinderella, “Have patience and be kind.” If the person you love is afraid of something, don’t push them. While reassuring them is ideal, please make sure that you don’t pressure them too much. When they feel too pressured they can break. Breaking is never good and often means that they will spend the next day trying to pick up pieces and put them back together. Not everyone deals with things the same, so please know that just because something worked for you, does not mean that it will work for them. Everyone copes and heals differently. Know that they are trying. They want to get rid of their scars, overcome their fears, and get over them too. Even if for the life of you, you can’t possibly fathom why they would react a certain way, why they would be acting so squirrely about something, why they avoid certain topics, or why they seem to overanalyze things or situations. Have patience. Reassure them that you are there, that you’re not leaving, and that you want them happy too.

When you love a person with scars, know that it won’t always be easy. But also know that loving a person with scars can be the most rewarding and amazing thing you ever do. In return for your patience and love, they will love you deeper and with everything they have. It may take them longer to show it, but if you have patience, you may just experience the purest, deepest, most meaningful love you have ever given or received. They are scared, but they are not broken. They may have been once, but they managed to build themselves back. They are strong, passionate, and though it is not and won’t be easy, they will love you back with all that they can in exchange for your understanding, your patience, and your constant love. Even if they may not say it right off the bat, they love you, they care for you, and they are trying.