For many years, I have always enjoyed peoples' company. The feeling of being around people made me feel accepted and cared for which gave my self-esteem a tremendous boost that I consistently yearned from others. However, after a cliche heartbreak, my attitude on others and, especially upon myself, dramatically altered into someone I thought I would have never expected to become.
Loneliness has never crossed my mind because I was always surrounded. Wherever and whenever I was, there was a consistent noise that carried me everywhere. It never bothered me until my boyfriend of one year and a half shattered my heart and I felt as if the world was crumbling down right in front of my feet. I didn't enjoy the uncomfortable emotions I was going through, where I found myself in a constant loophole. The desire of venturing out to my friends for a lending hand of support was completely gone, which seemed very unusual.
Every day, I found myself out there in New York City, wandering the streets and eating alone. It felt nice to not have someone there by my side, asking me if I was feeling okay or taking care of me because I was feeling fragile. The feeling of going through certain areas that I was previously in, stung but those locations only became one of my favorite spots I introduced to my friends.
After being alone for a bit, I've chosen myself over wanting to have a friend stuck with me all the time. I didn't have to have a specific pace with my walk or a diet that I had to stick to that day to satisfy my friend's taste. Instead, I've loved to become that lonely person who enjoys having a nice drink by herself. I've also learned a lot about myself that I didn't think I would have learned with someone by my side.
Understanding, acceptance and closure were all aspects I've acquired over the years and held very closely. It only created someone that I am now proud of. I didn't imagine someone that only yearned for attention would only want independence for herself and would use that mindset for her own future.
Last summer was the very first time I was able to travel alone and experience the majority of the time by myself. I was able to meet roommates all over the world and learned so much from which I know I wouldn't have been able to go through with someone consistently there next to me. However, this upcoming holiday season I will be traveling to Vienna with a friend to see a friend and to be honest, it's a new emotion for me. I wouldn't be surprised with new company because I know I'll be expecting to spend time with my friend and experience a new country through his eyes. It's a new journey that I'm interested in learning to be in, especially with choosing loneliness for a couple of years.
But maybe then I'll really enjoy that company when I get there. See you in December, Vienna.
