When I was a little girl, I had very high expectations for the person I would be when I grew up. I recently came across my journal from middle school and found a page where I was explaining how I would become a doctor, go to Stanford and live out all of the dreams that ended up never getting to leave my pillow. I wanted to do research to find a cure for type 1 diabetes, just like my endocrinologist, a Stanford alumni and wildly intelligent man. I remember when I got my first sweatshirt with big bold letters that spelled out the name of my dream school. I never took it off, and would proudly announce to everyone in my path that I would go there one day. Nine years later and look at me now: a writer and a liberal arts major who can’t stand science and who moved 800+ miles away to go to school in an entirely new place. All of the things I thought I would be doing right now, when I was younger, I’m not.

I believe that we are given a deck of cards to shuffle and choose from when the time comes for something to change in our lives. We can’t see what we’re picking, but we know of the repercussions shortly thereafter. It could be fate, intuition, or just plain luck (good or bad). But regardless, once the cards we choose are all lined up in front of us, it comes time to face them, to play with them. I’ve always said how much I hate change, mostly because I don’t like being moved around in the comfort of my own existence. The biggest shifts in my life have landed me in this very spot, writing this piece and reflecting on how much I have grown. Now I realize that I didn’t do or become all of those things I said I’d be because I wasn’t good enough. There was just a different card up for me and I proved to my ‘type A’ self that I am able to accept it. That it’s okay for me to not be able to predict how things are going to turn out, or be disappointed in myself if I didn’t get something I wanted, because there always will be more opportunities.

We evolve as individuals constantly in this life. I was so set on this idea of who I wanted to be, that when it didn’t happen the way I had pictured, I didn’t have a backup plan. I mean, how many of us ever think that our backup plans will become our realities? It’s hard to want imagine what would happen next if our hard work and our dreams didn’t amount to anything. But I now feel that change is one of the best things that could ever happen to me. We all experience new and exciting changes that will make our tummies turn, hearts grow wings and keep us up until four a.m. on a school night (with no regrets the next day). We will experience changes that make us tender and guarded and scared of what each day will bring before we have a chance to lick our wounds. Never will we ever get a break from disappointment.

I can think of the top five anticlimactic moments of my life right now and say that they - without a doubt - took a piece of me down with them. Some of them I was able to recover from easily with time. Others brewed inside me and slowly chipped away at my being. I had it in my head that these moments would rule over me, forever. But when I look back at all of the things I wrote to myself so many years ago about who I would become, I know that 12-year-old me wouldn’t be disappointed in the woman I am today. I gain back those pieces that I let go with all of the dreams that never came true every day now, because I won’t allow myself to move backwards anymore. Life can be the most vindictive of critics, but I promised myself that I would never let the truth be anything other than my friend, even if it was hard to face at times.

We are practically conditioned to be wrapped up in planning for the future that we forget to appreciate how far we've come and where we are, now. Life will always have a different plan, and that's why we get so disappointed when things don't work out the way we want them to, or so I've found. We can't hand pick the good parts from the bad, and we most certainly cannot expect anything. Deciding to accept that maybe fate has a better idea of where I can go is what helped me come to terms with being where I am.

I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy to see the good in everything as it comes. In fact, I’ve found it almost impossible in my past experiences. I am learning not to let things get in my way. What may seem like an upsetting situation is an opportunity to grow. How can I use this to become a better me? We all go through this; you might even be going through this as you’re reading my words. I know it’s easy to get stuck in your head about what and who you want to be, but if you think about it, your mind can only go so far to imagine things. You are truly unlimited in your abilities, so long as you choose to not let anything set you back. Sometimes we are pulled out of the way of what we want so that our full potential can be reached in something we didn’t even realize could be a possibility. I think that is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned. I thought I was going to be someone completely opposite from who I am now. I couldn’t be happier that I allowed fate to run its course.