People always say, ‘when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade’. I’ve always been particularly fond of this statement, because so many times in my life I’ve had to turn lemons into lemonade.

But what about when life keeps throwing you lemons?

I’ve always had four goals in life: Graduate high school, Go to college, Get married, Have Kids. It sounds pretty simple and idealistic, but for me, it was what was important. I wanted to be educated and successful, to have a man who loved me, and to raise wonderful children who would turn out to be much better than I did (not that I was a bad kid or that my parents were horrible parents).

Last year, I was faced with a huge decision that could possibly eliminate one of my four basic life goals.

In September 2014, I was diagnosed with having uterine fibroid tumors. Uterine Fibroid Tumors are these nasty, often benign fibroids that form on various parts of your uterus. Pretty self-explanatory, right? I won’t go into too much detail about my lady parts but, being a girl and experiencing female problems isn’t exactly a bed of roses. I found out that I had two fibroids, one on my uterus and one pressing on my lower back. There’s nothing you can do for them; they usually go away on their own. I was totally fine with that (my trip to the ER was horrible, but that’s another story); though they did warn me that if they got out of hand that it could get pretty serious. I didn’t think much of it because my fibroids weren’t that big. So, I kept on with life as usual.

Then, in October 2015, I started getting this sharp, dull, pain in my lower back and abdomen. I instantly thought it was just my fibroids acting up and again, it was no big deal. I just thought they’d go away on their own like last time. Turns out, it was a big deal. By midnight, the entire left side of my body had swollen and I was in serious pain; I go to the point where I could barely walk. My parents eventually convinced me to go to the doctor because they were worried and so was I. So, I went to the doctor and my initial labs showed that I had a possible kidney infection. The doctor gave me a shot for pain and a shot of antibiotics and sent me on my way.

They told me if the pain persisted to come back and they’d schedule a CT. The pain only got worse much to my dismay. Not only was I sick, but I was one semester away from graduating. I had been working so hard to reach that moment and I wasn’t going to let some stupid kidney infection stop me. My doctors called back a few days after my appointment to check on me and surprisingly, they said it wasn’t a kidney infection. About two weeks later, I went for my CT scan and the results weren’t what I was expecting.

It turned out, that it was indeed my uterine fibroids BUT, here’s the kicker: I had one that was so big that it was pressing on my colon, my bladder and my intestines and was only getting bigger. Initially, it was about 8 centimeters; for those of you who don’t know how big 8 centimeters is, that’s about 3.15 inches, the size of a naval orange! The Radiologist explained that because of its size, that surgical removal would be my best option.

I did some research of my own and learned that there were several treatment options, which all pointed back to surgery. I was cool with surgery, I’m a nerd and staying in a hospital was on my bucket list (don’t judge me, I’ve seen one too many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy!). What I wasn’t cool with however, is that even after I had surgery, the fibroids would eventually grow back and would only get bigger. The only sure way to prevent them from growing back and becoming worse is to …you guessed it, remove my uterus.

Now here’s where it gets tricky; I want to have children, or I’d at least like the option to. I could very well keep my uterus, but the other side to this argument I have to ask myself is ‘do I really want to keep dealing with this?’ This isn’t going to get any better, and if this time it’s the size of a naval orange, what happens if I get one at its maximum size (which is the size of a cantaloupe)? Plus, these fibroids can grow while I’m pregnant which can be harmful to both my and future/imaginary children. Fibroids can lead to miscarriage and eventual infertility.

So, with deep thought, I made a decision: if my doctor didn’t object, I was going to have my uterus removed…or rather, I deeply considered it.

The thing I found myself wondering was: does this decision make me less of a woman?

For a long time I was on the fence about not being able to have kids. Having kids was something that I always thought would be an option for me. I didn’t realize how important having kids was until I was faced with the reality of not being able to have them. I change my mind on whether or not I want kids every other day. I think I’m sort of over the child experience because I have 10 nieces and nephews and one on the way.

Plus, I’m a nanny and I’ve worked with small children practically my whole life. But then there’s that part of me that wants to see a sassy, funny, mini version of myself running around. So yeah, I eventually want to have a kid of my own, maybe two or three. Still, deciding on whether or not to keep my uterus was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life. The ironic thing about this is that most women don’t bother with fibroids until they’re near menopause; I’m almost 26.

I eventually had the surgery and I still have my uterus. My doctor said to give myself a few years before I start trying to have kids. She also told me that if my fibroids grow back, she didn’t wanna take any chances and that she’d have to take my uterus. It’s been just over a year since I had the surgery and I’m still okay, but I still live with the possibility that these fibroids could grow back at any time, posing a threat to my organs. They could also be potentially harmful to me and any future/imaginary children I should have. Right now where I am in life, I’m not sure I want to keep putting myself and my body through something like that. I don’t know if I’d be willing to put my future/imaginary child(ren) through something like that.

Sometimes, I think I would be okay with the idea of not having a uterus because hey, no periods, no more buying tampons, no more cramps, no more fibroids nearly crushing my other organs. There are downsides too, like going through menopause early, not being able to physically carry a child in my womb, but there are other ways to be a mother.

We as a society tend to look down on women who don’t want kids, who can’t have kids for whatever reasons. We think that they’re less of a woman because they can’t or don’t have children. Being in the position that I’m in, I think that’s an utter load of bullshit. You are still a woman because you were born one-that’s it, point blank period. Nothing makes you any less of a woman unless you decide to have a sex change. We put so much pressure on young girls and women to have boyfriends and husbands and kids instead of nurturing their interests and their passions.

Maybe it’s a southern thing, maybe it’s not but, do you know how many times people have asked me “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Are you having sex?” “Do you at least have any guy friends that you talk to?” “When are you gonna get married?” “Do you wanna get married?” “You don’t have any kids yet?” “Do you want kids?” Oh, and don’t be a Black female in her 20s with no kids and no man, people automatically jump to “oh…well do you like boys?” because yes, Black people are homophobic as hell. As much as I would love to be married and have kids, I would be okay if I didn’t get married. As far as having kids, well, if I do decide to have my uterus removed, then I would freeze some of my eggs so that when I got to a financially stable place in my life or found a husband/partner, then I/we could look into surrogacy or adoption or being a foster parent.

I can still be a mom even if I don’t give birth.

I think the whole point to this little post is that, just because life gives you lemons, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to make lemonade. Not everybody knows how to make lemonade. Sure, the ingredients are the same, but some people don’t put enough sugar, some use too many lemons. Also, lemonade isn’t for everyone. So here’s an alternative to when life throws you lemons; you take the lemons (the hard stuff, the rough times, the bad things in life), find some other fruit like apples or oranges or some other fruit (the happy moments, the blessings, the good things in life), you mix that shit up together, add some sugar (hope, faith, optimism) and turn it into fruit punch!

Make fruit punch everybody!

Xx