It doesn't feel good.
Feeling like the world will crumble around you.
Maybe it's the anxiety or maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's both, or nothing at all. Every once in a while I get this feeling like I'm stuck. Not stuck like in a decision, but stuck in my life. Like I can never move forward. Will I have a future? Will it be better than the present?
Often when I get this feeling, along with it comes guilt. There are so many people in the world who have it worse than me, and here I am, stuck in bed because I feel like if I get up, something bad will happen. It's like when you have a bad day, and in the back of your head you think, "I should not have gotten up this morning. I should have stayed in bed."
What is that called?
Do you ever feel like you can physically feel your heart hurting? Someone stabbed you in the chest, but you aren't bleeding.
Along with the feeling of perpetual depression also comes "Nothing I ever do will be enough."
I could be Superwoman. I could be a Nobel Prize Winner. And in the end, I still feel like I will never be enough. Even when I have done everything that needs to be done, and more, it can't possibly be enough.
People always say that, "You can't please everyone." However, I feel like I have to, because if I don't, there is that feeling again. You know the feeling. Like everyone around you is mad at you, but you have no idea why? Yeah, that one.
And when everyone is mad at you, that makes you feel like the world is crumbling. Not the whole world, but just yours. The little world in which you live in, your bubble. It pops. And like an astronaut in space, once your bubble pops, you have no oxygen and you can't breathe.
Maybe it's just me.
I try hard to do my best. It doesn't seem like it, but I do. I try to be a good friend and girlfriend, I try to please my parents and keep my grades up and get money and I try to live, but almost always, it just can't possibly be enough. And then I get immensely sad, and I feel like I can't do anything at all.
"What? But Katelyn that isn't true!"
"You just don't apply yourself."
"You're just lazy."
"Work harder!"
Those are the voices in my head, making me feel crazy. There they go again.
"Nothing you ever do will be enough."
