I want to say that I’m sorry. I don’t know what exactly for, because I know you did this to yourself and there is really nothing that I can do, but I just am. I genuinely am. Maybe because we didn't really leave this on a good note. I wish our "goodbye" went a little bit smoother. But that's OK, because now all I'm looking forward to is our next "hello."
I can’t see you. I wish I could, but I can’t. Well, not right now anyway. Soon, though, I promise. But I have to admit, the scariest thing about this distance is that I don’t know what is going to happen. Will you forget me? Will you miss me? Will you even think about me, just a little bit? I’m so scared to want you because of everything that comes with it, but here I am, wanting you anyway, more than ever.
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I’m losing my mind over you. I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t know where you’ll end up going. I don’t know if you’re getting into any trouble. I don’t know when you’ll be out. I don't even know if you're eating. I just don’t know. All I can do is hope for you to be smart and be safe. So when your phone calls come through, I know you’re OK.
I’m holding it down for you out here. I am. I really am. I’m just hoping that’s enough for you. Don’t play yourself. Don’t let someone like me go. Please don’t.
I’m holding in the pain that I can’t show you when times are rough. The faceless woman who calls me with her electronic voice is both my best friend and worst enemy, but hearing your voice is my salvation. Because for those 15 minutes, it feels like things are better. It feels like things are back to normal.
It’s 3:01am at the moment as I’m writing this. I should be sleeping, but I just can’t. I have a lot going on in my mind, it’s stressing me out. I miss you. I miss you like hell.
Some days are harder than others, and this is only the beginning. Every day, I wake up and do the same routine. I wait for your phone call, I go to work or school, waiting for more phone calls, writing you letters, trying to do things to get my mind off of it –trying to do things to better myself at home while you’re away bettering yourself in there. It’s a challenge. It really is. I’m not going anywhere, though.
I remember before you left you looked me dead in the eye and said “I don’t think you’ll stick around.” I hope you know that you are very, very wrong about that. I’m out here and you’re in there, but we’re on this journey together. Nothing is going to change that, no matter how many months it takes for me to prove that to you.
