Ever since we were young people asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up. When I was 7 I wanted to be a princess fire fighter, 13 I wanted to be a marine biologist and save all the whales and when I was 17 I wanted to do find medicinal cures by researching jellyfish and/ or lobsters (Fun Fact: They are virtually immortal). Now I am 18 and even though it’s only a year since the last time I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I don’t anymore. I’ve found that it is easier to plan out your life when it’s still in front of you. Treating it like it’s so far away and you have time to still be a kid and then it hits you. You’re an adult. Life always seems scary when you’re close kind of like a spider. From a distance a spider could honestly be any bug (unless it’s a tarantula but that’s more demon than spider) but up close it’s a frickin spider with little gross hairy legs and too many eyes. Right now, I’m really starting my life and it’s kind of scary, actually its very scary and real and I’m responsible for everything now. If I make a mistake, I have to face the consequences not just get a slap on the hand. For the first time in my life I feel small.
There is a sort of beauty in that as well though. You’re finally in control of your life, you get to decide everything. When you start to live on your own and you want a blue couch, go buy a blue couch! You want to live off of Tyson Honey Breasted Chicken Nuggets and ice cream? Do it, it’s not the healthiest option but you’re still young. You can do whatever you want, which also begs the question of, “What do I want”? I myself have a lot of passions and interests, including everything my make up to chemistry to random fun facts no one cares about. So do I want to be an esthetician, a chemist or a contestant on Jeopardy? The thing is I don’t really know anymore.
To be fair to myself, I have a very bad habit of over thinking virtually everything. This is why I am taking the semester off of college. I need to learn who I am and what I want out of myself and life. I need to learn how I can truly have a strong positive presence in this world so that I can be happy and successful in everything I do and so I can spread that to the people around me. I want to be able to provide and create a better life for my family and to be the person that people can rely on for emotional and physical support and the only way I can be that person is if I can emotionally and physically support myself. I’m working on it and I will forever continue to work on it.
So in conclusion, I, Jami Perkins age 18 when I grow up want to be… Happy.
